Wednesday, 10 March 2010

Satan Smokes. In The Vatican. Apparently.


There are dark forces at work in these troubled times, and Biased BBC's Witchfinder General David Vance knows what they are. Only recently, he was warning us about Zombies in British life. Today, he brings sulphurous news of the cloven-hoofed Beast. Cue Tubular Bells:


Sex abuse scandals in the Roman Catholic Church are proof that that "the Devil is at work inside the Vatican",


That's a good one. Takes the pressure off the humans, anyway.


according to the Holy See's chief exorcist.


A person we take with enormous seriousness.


Father Gabriele Amorth, 85, who has been the Vatican's chief exorcist for 25 years


He must know what he's doing, then.


and says he has dealt with 70,000 cases of demonic possession,


Aaaah-ha...


said that the consequences of satanic infiltration included power struggles at the Vatican


Right.


as well as "cardinals who do not believe in Jesus, and bishops who are linked to the Demon".


Uh huh.


He added: "When one speaks of 'the smoke of Satan' [a phrase coined by Pope Paul VI in 1972] in the holy rooms, it is all true


Nicorette could have helped with that.


– including these latest stories of violence and paedophilia."


Hello? Carabinieri? The man you seek is a Mr. Beelzebub….


Well, is he right?


I should say so and I'm also sure the Nigerian oil minister's money will be in my bank account any day now. Where can I buy striped paint, by the way? The gaffer says I should fetch some.


I think in a way he is.


(Cough) Indeed. (Cough)


Those of us who hold the Christian faith understand that Satan IS everywhere,


That would be Simon Cowell. Or maybe Piers Morgan. Easily confused.


the Bible tells us so.


It's also very helpful on the subject of masturbation, sacrifice and the problem of menstruating women. From memory.


This is his realm,


I'm sure. Did Mike Oldfield ever do anything else?


we are all fallen creatures open to temptation,


The Orchestral Version. Bit pointless, wasn't it?


and that is why we need to turn to Christ.


May be your best bet come Election Day, David.


Scientific note: Mr Vance's posting scores 7.3 Noeledmunds on the Brass Eye Credulousness Scale.


19 comments:

  1. I always knew he was a prick, but it's just so much worse when you take into account that he's a religious prick.

    Fuck me, he just tries to find bogeymen everywhere, doesn't he.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Traditional Orange Coloured Gentleman10 March 2010 at 22:04

    I prefer dogs to muslims.

    Wednesday, March 10, 2010 at 11:01AM | Allan@Aberdeen


    Do you prefer dogs to muslims?

    Alan at Aberdeen does over on Vance's Irish blog, do check out the lunacy there - refreshing!!

    Nice people!!

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  3. I've been looking at the comments of O.B.M.E. favourite Martin lately, over at Biased BBC, and I don't really see how he's any different to you lot. He's simply tongue in cheek taking the piss most of the time, which of course is precisely what you lot are attempting here.

    Although obviously from the opposite vantage point.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Dazed

    That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me....

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  5. As I said.....

    Tongue in cheek taking the piss.

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  6. I'm always desperately confused by 'christians' who don't appear to take much notice of the bulk of what Jesus was supposed to have said; turning the other cheek, loving thy neighbour as you do yourself, that kind of thing. They're usually rabidly pro-death penalty and tend to not be terribly chatitable to for'n types. Yes, David, you turn to Christ if you want to, but do bear in mind that it means being maybe just a little less of a total shit. Sorry, rant over.

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  7. So an all women Question Time was always going to upset the B-BBCoids. But the live "chat" really was pretty nasty. Do they not have mothers, sisters or daughters?

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  8. And while there was a huge fuss over "Any Questions?" coming from a mosque not a peep about this week's coming from a Catholic chaplaincy.

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  9. "I am sure that all decent people will be pleased to know that the little kidnapped British boy, Sahil Saeed, has been released from captivity from where he was being held prisoner in Pakistan.Is it just me or has the BBC coverage of this story - led by the fragrant Orla Guerin - been MASSIVELY over the top all day? Thoughts?"-David Vance

    My first thought would be compared to Madeline McCann the coverage was much reduced. My second thought would be... is there something about Sahil and his family Mr Vance thinks makes them less newsworthy? I can't quite put my finger on it.

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  10. The pile of shite is an affront to all decent blogs.
    To the tosser who thinks he's oh so very clever by compiling this twattery, do yourself and all the rest of us a favour by scrapping it.
    To the rest of you here, for your own sakes seek medical help.

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  11. @ 7 May 2010 18:36,

    You wouldn't happen to be one of the swivel eyed deviant cretins that this blog correctly mocks, would you?

    :-)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Once correctly mocked :(

    Come back?

    ReplyDelete
  13. Yes. Please do come back, O.B.M.E. I'm running out of Holland Park socialists to make total fuckwits of.

    Because it's what I do when I'm not evading your shitty taxes, smoking smuggled tobacco and brewing my own booze.

    Ciao, darling ;-)

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  14. So sad to see Opinionated beyond Medication gone into blog oblivion. Try harder, pal.

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  15. Fuck am I letting Vance have the last comment on here. Have a good one big guy.

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  16. The working class can kiss my arse16 September 2010 at 02:06

    Hillhunt AKA medicated beyond reason always was a cunt

    ReplyDelete
  17. As is your rotting mother.

    How did the elections go dave?

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  18. Stumbled on this by accident.
    What the fuck is this shite about.
    No wonder this blog is dead. Was the "writer" committed to an asylum?

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  19. Sadly Vance continues with his war against everything. He also loves threatening legal action against anyone who dares critique him. Interesting he couldn't have this removed. I'm sure he tried.

    ReplyDelete