Patrick Moore: The Future Of Telly

It occupies the sharpest brains at News Corporation, but such is the TV savvy stored up at Biased BBC, the bias-hunting boys nailed it in a few minutes today: What will drive more people to Sky's digital service?

Set the scene for us, Martin...

sky invested billions in the technology, the BBC invest in Cocaine.

So that's why the Beeb chose White City…

Get your flotation devices ready, here's PacificRising:

If the BBC could be purged of it's LibLeft cocain addicted Islingtonite lentil munchers then it might be worth reforming

Don't forget the rent boys...

otherwise it should be broken up,

It's kinder in the end.

as much as I would miss "The Sky at Night", "Something Understood" and the "Moral Maze".

I think we all would.

Fresh from his 24-hour war on terror, here's Jack Bauer with a message from our sponsors:

talking Sky At Night (one of the few BBC self-generated shows I enjoy), have you a Sky subscription?

Alas no. What is this Sky of which you speak, Jack?

They have about a 1000 channels. Some of them seem to be put together by one man and his dog.

That would be the Sheepdog Service. Sponsored by Rover.

Patrick Moore could start the SKY AT NIGHT channel ... all SAN all the time.

How absolutely fascinating.

Seriously, those Beeboidhead fanatics who want to force the rest us to pay for their fanaticism have a mindset locked into 1955 and the Politburo

It's the missile parades on May Day which give them away.

It's like they don't even know about the most revolutionary changes to the media since Gutenberg.

Someone's got to tell them, and Jack, you're our only hope. Start with newspapers and work your way up to radio. I'll try to explain TV but it'll be tough. And don't dare confuse them with the web.

What do you reckon, Martin?

The Sky at night is an interesting programme.

If I understand Sir Patrick correctly, Biased BBC is actually located at the heart of the Crab Nebula.

The BBC have tolerated the politically incorrect non dumbed down show for 50 years.

There you go: Zero commitment. Typical BBC!

Show done by mostly white males (yuk) and not a lesbian or Muslim in sight.

Bit like that other unloved offspring, Top Gear.

The BBC are probably waiting for Moore to kick the bucket so they can do to it what they did to Country File, turn it into a townie politically correct climate change love fest.

A tough call for a programme about the universe. But the bastards'll die trying.

Welcome back, PacificRising, how are you finding consumer choice in TV land?

I haven't got a Sky subscription because I was worried about the kids being distracted from their schoolwork by the Disney Channel.

Least of your worries. CBBC is like crack to our brood.

But if Patrick Moore had a slot on Sky I would reconsider.

Apparently it's their next big marketing campaign. Once we all tire of sport.

Why The Long Face, Horseface?

One of the many fine qualities of Biased BBC is that it sometimes notices that the BBC does other bad stuff besides employing journalists who hate America, support the Taliban and lie to keep Gordon Brown in office.

The Beeb also produces comedy shows starring frightful left-wingers who hate America, support the Taliban and try to keep Gordon Brown in office. Where are the right-wing comedians who should be given equal air-time?

Step forward Biased BBC longtime jester Jack Bauer. Jack is an acquired taste, so we've asked our Comedy Research Unit to explain just how Mr Bauer nails his targets.

Yesterday, Biased BBC was in uproar over Woman's Hour promising an item on Margaret Beckett MP, whose "career has been long and illustrious". Jack cocks his comedy shotgun and gives feminazi Beckett both hilarious barrels.

Be fair David. Don't you remember her unexpected win in the 1967 Grand National as a 100/1 longshot?

Translation: Margaret Beckett looks like a horse.

Well, she was called Foinavon back then, so you are excused.

Margaret Beckett looks like a real horse, which was called Foinavon.

And she still likes eating carrots from your hand as you stroke her nose.

Margaret Beckett eats like a horse. And you can stroke her nose.

Jack knows you should always leave 'em wanting more, so he backs off at this point to leave us helpless with grateful laughter.

It's been a little while since The BBC got shut of Russell Brand. Could this be the right moment to hand his comedy crown to Jokin' Jack?

Never Trust Animated Clouds.

Biased BBC has an interesting sideline in tribute acts. Earlier in the summer, a poster named after the late US diplomat Robert S McNamara popped up occasionally to tell blood-soaked tales of his lethal tyre iron.

An even longer-running wannabe is one Jack Bauer, who sometimes chills out from defeating terrorism around the clock by posting tedious leaden hilarious jokes. Oddly, he's at his funniest when he's trying to be serious. Like this Biased BBC contribution on global warming:

the problem is that people don't know the difference between Carbon Monoxide, and Carbon DIOXIDE. the colourless, odorless gas also known as Dry Ice.

One kills you in cheap holiday flats. The other makes ho-hum rock bands look marginally more interesting.

I blame the ignorance factories we have masquerading as schools.

Kids go in well-informed. And come out trying to kill themselves inhaling Coldplay's special effects.

Last year some mendacious "green" car insurance company produced ads in which a noxious looking BLACK CLOUD spewed from a car and chased people around.

Like those old Lottery ads. It Could Be You-oo. Oo. Oo.

I kid you not.--- while the santimonious VO droned on about CO2.

Are you sure the CO wasn't droning on about BO? With the Boho from Soho?

The unmistakeable visual lie was that this noxious gas was Carbon Dioxide.

I've been running in fear from exhausts ever since. AND IT WAS ALL A LIE?

I complained, of course, to the Advertising Standards on the grounds that it was a blatant attempt to mislead. It was false advertising, etc.

Open and shut case, Jack. I always assume animated stuff in insurance ads is literally true. Like comedy meerkats. And dogs that talk like John Prescott.

Got absolutley NOWHERE.

And they call it justice? Good job you're a maverick cop and a law unto yourself. A weaker individual might crumble at the conspiracies all around him.