There are dark forces at work in these troubled times, and Biased BBC's Witchfinder General David Vance knows what they are. Only recently, he was warning us about Zombies in British life. Today, he brings sulphurous news of the cloven-hoofed Beast. Cue Tubular Bells:
Sex abuse scandals in the Roman Catholic Church are proof that that "the Devil is at work inside the Vatican",
That's a good one. Takes the pressure off the humans, anyway.
according to the Holy See's chief exorcist.
A person we take with enormous seriousness.
Father Gabriele Amorth, 85, who has been the Vatican's chief exorcist for 25 years
He must know what he's doing, then.
and says he has dealt with 70,000 cases of demonic possession,
said that the consequences of satanic infiltration included power struggles at the Vatican
as well as "cardinals who do not believe in Jesus, and bishops who are linked to the Demon".
He added: "When one speaks of 'the smoke of Satan' [a phrase coined by Pope Paul VI in 1972] in the holy rooms, it is all true
Nicorette could have helped with that.
– including these latest stories of violence and paedophilia."
Hello? Carabinieri? The man you seek is a Mr. Beelzebub….
Well, is he right?
I should say so and I'm also sure the Nigerian oil minister's money will be in my bank account any day now. Where can I buy striped paint, by the way? The gaffer says I should fetch some.
I think in a way he is.
(Cough) Indeed. (Cough)
Those of us who hold the Christian faith understand that Satan IS everywhere,
That would be Simon Cowell. Or maybe Piers Morgan. Easily confused.
the Bible tells us so.
It's also very helpful on the subject of masturbation, sacrifice and the problem of menstruating women. From memory.
This is his realm,
I'm sure. Did Mike Oldfield ever do anything else?
we are all fallen creatures open to temptation,
The Orchestral Version. Bit pointless, wasn't it?
and that is why we need to turn to Christ.
May be your best bet come Election Day, David.
Scientific note: Mr Vance's posting scores 7.3 Noeledmunds on the Brass Eye Credulousness Scale.