Satan Smokes. In The Vatican. Apparently.

There are dark forces at work in these troubled times, and Biased BBC's Witchfinder General David Vance knows what they are. Only recently, he was warning us about Zombies in British life. Today, he brings sulphurous news of the cloven-hoofed Beast. Cue Tubular Bells:

Sex abuse scandals in the Roman Catholic Church are proof that that "the Devil is at work inside the Vatican",

That's a good one. Takes the pressure off the humans, anyway.

according to the Holy See's chief exorcist.

A person we take with enormous seriousness.

Father Gabriele Amorth, 85, who has been the Vatican's chief exorcist for 25 years

He must know what he's doing, then.

and says he has dealt with 70,000 cases of demonic possession,

Aaaah-ha...

said that the consequences of satanic infiltration included power struggles at the Vatican

Right.

as well as "cardinals who do not believe in Jesus, and bishops who are linked to the Demon".

Uh huh.

He added: "When one speaks of 'the smoke of Satan' [a phrase coined by Pope Paul VI in 1972] in the holy rooms, it is all true

Nicorette could have helped with that.

– including these latest stories of violence and paedophilia."

Hello? Carabinieri? The man you seek is a Mr. Beelzebub….

Well, is he right?

I should say so and I'm also sure the Nigerian oil minister's money will be in my bank account any day now. Where can I buy striped paint, by the way? The gaffer says I should fetch some.

I think in a way he is.

(Cough) Indeed. (Cough)

Those of us who hold the Christian faith understand that Satan IS everywhere,

That would be Simon Cowell. Or maybe Piers Morgan. Easily confused.

the Bible tells us so.

It's also very helpful on the subject of masturbation, sacrifice and the problem of menstruating women. From memory.

This is his realm,

I'm sure. Did Mike Oldfield ever do anything else?

we are all fallen creatures open to temptation,

The Orchestral Version. Bit pointless, wasn't it?

and that is why we need to turn to Christ.

May be your best bet come Election Day, David.

Scientific note: Mr Vance's posting scores 7.3 Noeledmunds on the Brass Eye Credulousness Scale.

Bambi Loves Rottweilers

Being a bias-hunter carries with it certain duties: Keeping up with politics, broadcasting issues, and how the two interact, for example. Good to see that the industrious Biased BBC commentator Cassandra King is at the top of her game just now:

The BBC hardtalk charade interviewed conservative front bench spokesperson for culture Jeremy Hunt,

Excellent. The Tories' man on the front line of broadcasting policy.

who?

Good to see that Biased BBC keeps up with politics.

yeah me too!

Especially broadcasting politics.

It was Ashcroft ad nauseum with a Hunt out of his depth and looking llike Bambi faced by a rottweiler in a bad mood.

Odd for an interviewer to put the Tories' big problem of the week to a front-bencher. Even odder that the shadow minister should find it hard to deal with.

Mr Hunt is a big fan of the BBC it seems,

You don't...

its a national institution

…mean...

and he seems to labour under the BBC peddled myth that we all love and cherish the BBC,

…that rational people value the BBC?

a Tory fawning and waxing lyrical

Wait a minute: He was a helpless creature about to be devoured by a devil-dog a second ago.

about a BBC that hates and despises the entire right wing and the Tories in particular

Or. Possibly. Not.

certainly rings alarm bells with me.

Could be reality dawning. Perhaps?

To see a so called Tory doe eyed and defensive and unsure of his own position was sad to see but indicative of Camerons Tory party, frightened rabbits with lots to hide, bumbling fools who appear to be nothing more than lightweight puppets with all the substance of a morning mist!

Can we stick to a single metaphor here? I'm happy with Bambi being best friends with Rottweilers.

You just know that if the Tory leadership are intent on creeping to the BBC there is something very very wrong about the Tory leadership.

There again, Cassandra, you're intending to support the BNP. Whose leaders' relationship with The BBC you can more readily savour.

As can the rest of us.

Quality Journalism 2010: Death By Gay Jollies

If there's one thing Biased BBC teaches us, it's that The BBC fails, day after dumbed-down day, to deliver quality journalism. What has happened to its mission to inform and to educate the licence-paying public?

Today, another major failing has been exposed by Biased BBC vigilance. Why oh why is the Beeb ignoring its duty to explain, er, salacious speculation about the death of a daytime telly presenter?

The gnomic ap-w kicks the debate off. How come the BBC has devoted precious time to mark the passing of Michael Foot?

it's all rather overshadowed the death of the BBC presenter Kristian Digby,

Yeah. Why worry about a leading orator, writer, newspaper editor and former Leader of the Opposition when the presenter of House Swap and Buy It, Sell It, Bank It has died?

Digby, who has died in "unexplained" circumstances

I have a feeling that HM Coroner will be enlightening us before long...

a matter of days after gay killer Ray Gosling is released on police bail.

A non-sequitur of elegant proportions. What do you think, Millie Tant?

There's a good example of where the great broadcaster has failed to inform us - about how this man died.

Glad you spoke up. I've been losing sleep worrying about this.

So the BBC knows this information but has chosen to censor it.

Bastards. They've been ignoring Paris Hilton's sex tapes, Lindsay Lohan's eating issues and Kerry Katona's love life, too. What's wrong with them?

Why do they think it is all right for them to know this and for us not to know it? How can that be right?

Exactly. Lord Reith would be turning in his grave over a failure like this.

Who is in charge of them and what they should be allowed to know? Who privileged them to hold this information that is apparently too dangerous for us to know. If it is so dangerous, toxic or corrosive to us that it must be withheld, what effect does possessing it have on them? I think we should be told.

Not only that: Where is the in-depth analysis of minor actresses' wardrobe malfunctions and Posh Spice's footwear options that we have a right to expect from a top-quality news provider?

And all of the above questions are leaving aside the fact that we know it anyway! Cos we've been told by the Informative Media. It's all over the b..... shop!

Which shop? Does the b…. shop sell things for bees?

And guess what...we survived this knowledge and the world is still turning. But the BBC is still censoring. How daft can you get?

Not as daft as that smiley, for sure. Robert de Niro tribute act Travis Bickle gets to the heart of the story.

By "unexplained" they mean getting his gay jollies off.

But who put them on in the first place?

BBC presenters are snuffing themselves at a fair old rate of knots these days. They need to get some more rewarding past-times rather than auto-asphyxiation and columbian marching powder.

Could be worse. They could be posting on Biased BBC.

Don't Touch That Light Switch.

Anyone who thinks it's easy sitting in judgement on The BBC and its terrifying power need only consider the case of inveterate bias-spotter Roland Deschain. Roland's net-name is a homage to a fictional gunslinger. Seems like he's fixing to sort out a messa trouble down the schoolhouse. Sheee-it.

It's depressing.

That's what Biased BBC is here for. To depress us all.

Only today I find that my daughter is expected to learn a passage for her school assembly urging us to turn our lights out for an hour...

Slippery slope. She'll be asking you to turn the heating down a gnat's, next.

to support the WWF…

Hideous. Who's its shit-stirring president again? Billy Bragg? Or Polly Toynbee? Oh… it's HRH Princess Alexandra.

and show we "care about climate change".

Cos we don't. End of.

And when I point out to her that it may be a load of claptrap, she stomps off in the huff.

It's not too late to disinherit her. She doesn't deserve you.

I wonder how much indoctrination has gone on before I've found out about it.

Simple test: Does she offer to walk to the shops rather than demand a lift? If yes, you've lost her. For good.

I will of course take it up with the school,

Perhaps you could suggest they leave their lights on for an hour longer than usual. Take a stand for common sense.

but sometimes you feel you're just pissing in the wind.

You could leave your lights on all the time. That would teach them.

Why Immigration Is Bad (Exceptions May Apply)

It is vital that the right people stand up to be counted in the war against the dreadful threat posed by The BBC and its evil influence. David Vance, is of course, the standard-bearer in this crusade, but he keeps honourable company. One such is the entrancing social commentator Pete Moore, star turn on Mr Vance's Irish blog.

Pete's thoughts on Immigration:

Our liberties have been destroyed because of immigration.

immigration was the pretext for you and me to me made less free.

Not only did this terrible regime sustain a wave of immigrants, it used this tide to legislate against the British people and their birthrights.

The case for a complete halt to all immigration, without exceptions, from either country, is impeccable… along with a programme of mass deportations.

On foreigners:

I'm happy to insult and ridicule foreigners wherever I find'em. It's the natural state of affairs

I'm flying back down there this weekend for a proper holiday of sunbathing, boozing, eating and being rude to the Dagos

You'll recall it was the British Empire, old chum, and plenty of Jocks, Taffs and Paddies did their fair share of civilising the wogs.

On democracy:

This morning this was reported on BBC radio that the "far-right" had hijacked the Armed Forces. Great I thought, we're long overdue a patriotic revolt and a patriotic coup by HM Armed Forces is just the ticket.

Roll on the coup d'etat.

Any plans, then Pete, now that you've made your feelings about foreigners, those who settle in other countries and, erm, democracy so delightfully clear?

I'm thinking of packing up and shipping out.

At least you're not an economic migrant.

I'm hugely depressed about the state of this place and not in the mood to shoulder the £25K debt our lunatic politicians have put on me.

So long as you don't actually emigrate anywhere, you'll be entirely consistent in your views.

I'm thinking British Columbia more than anywhere else. How's life there?

Tolerant. Democratic. Liberal. You'll hate it.

The USA doesn't want me, preferring Bolivians and Turks instead. Plus the economy's knackered.

Burma it is, then.

CBeebies: Still Fighting WW2 (For The Japanese)

It cannot be said often enough: Biased BBC is not just a peerless advocate of quality journalism, it's also a hothouse of emerging writing talent. Take English Pensioner, a man who can find new things to complain about, even in programmes meant for toddlers.

I don't know about bias, but the BBC gets my prize for crass stupidity.

They'll treasure it.

I was sitting with my grandson watching a video of the children's programme "Waybuloo" which I had recorded a few adys earlier.

I know the feeling. You sit down to watch Mad Men and the brats have recorded Skins instead. Damn you, Sky Box.

To my surprise, one scene showed a large banner, exactly like the flag used by the Japanese Military during WW2.

And exactly like a childish drawing of the sun. As it happens.

I was taken by surprise,

Exactly how eventful is your life?

but surely it would have really upset an ex-POW if he had seen it.

The effect might just have been softened by the cute lilac bunny rabbit doing her exercises amid the emerald countryside and pretty flowers.

I just imagine the outcry if a swastike design (which dates back to ancient Greece) had been used!

Indeed. But it wasn't.

Details on my web site at http://english-pensioner.blogspot.com/

Let's go see. Thursday, 18 February: I am a firm believer in assassination

If I were the lilac bunny, I'd be looking a little bit nervous.

Wheelchairs Of Hate

Biased BBC works tirelessly to alert a sleeping world to the dangers of enjoying The BBC, and we are all grateful for that service.

But its star writer David Vance makes sure that no stone remains unturned in his all-round quest for justice. Today he demands to know why disabled people have it so damned easy:

Interested to read that hundreds of thousands of prime parking spaces in shopping centres are unused because of a legal obligation to provide four times as many disabled bays than are actually needed.

Shocking. Cripples crowding us out of pole position in the Tesco parking lot.

Supermarkets, shopping centres and leisure centres must allocate up to 6 per cent of their parking bays for disabled badge holders

Up to six per cent? That means it's often less….

even though just 1.4 per cent of the population is registered disabled.

Though they might just have a disproportionate need to use cars for shopping.

This means the priority spaces - which must be near to an entrance to shops - are rarely full, while millions of mothers and fathers with young children must fight for a meagre number of designated ' parent and child' spaces.

A terrifying sight, shopping in the UK: Millions of families scrapping over the privilege of wheeling a trolley 20 yards less.

Who has made the legal decision that "up to" 6% of parking bays should be allocated to the disabled?

Probably Gordon Brown. He's apparently an emotional cripple.

In some supermarkets I notice that able-bodied parking is often well away from the stores. Is this fair?

Not at all. And you know what? The able-bodied are probably white, Christian heterosexuals, too. Broken Britain, I call it. Perhaps Pete Moore has an explanation.

It's planning law, no doubt drafted after lobbyists tapped up civil servants.

Wheelchair users: Up there with bankers, arms manufacturers and pharmaceutical multinationals in the no-expense-spared ear-bending stakes.

Ross speaks for many of us.

I don't mind disabled parking, there may be a bit too much but I can't say I've noticed it that much. What I do object to is the "Parent & Child" bays. Why do they get special treatment?

Yeah. Why should a woman with a pregnancy bump, a weepy toddler and a buggy need any kind of special treatment? Whingers.

I think they should put the disabled parking a mile away from the shop, that way no one will be tempted to use them improperly.

Outstanding. And there is a slight danger that you might not be joking. What do you think, Colm?

Just wait until the authorities launch 'LGBT' parking spaces only :)

Love the smiley. But there was no need - you had me at the first apostrophe. Let's give the last word to The Phantom, who has all this rights nonsense summed up beautifully.

And the " mothers and kids " stuff is beyond bullshit. There are obviously way too many dreaming up disabilities and rights and new privileges to be had by people who don't need them and who don't necessarily want them.

Rights. Wasted on almost everybody.