Nelson Mandela: Boot Shagger

As Biased BBC matures into a true giant of media analysis, it shows encouraging signs of developing a sophisticated touch with great matters of recent history: Like working out the best way to honour the 20th anniversary of Nelson Mandela's walk to freedom, for instance. David Vance, as ever, prefers to look back in anger:

I am sure you will have encountered the Mandela worship on the BBC today.

Twenty years since Africa's richest nation headed towards democracy. Important moment.

the excitement at the BBC has been palpable.

I'm sure that's really because the Traditional Unionist Voice's own Mandela will be on Question Time tonight.

However I believe the coverage has been very one dimensional and has stayed away from asking any of the tough questions lest the halo around Saint Nelson be dented.

Like why did millions of black people emerge from decades of subjugation, state assassinations and near-slavery… and not turn on their former rulers?

Can you imagine what the coverage of his death will be like? We're all ANC now. (And to hell with the victims of their terrorism)

Ah yes… the Victims Of Terrorism. Always handy when you want to find a reason to sneer at successful democratic negotiation. Never mind: Let's look at Mandela the man. What's your appraisal, Grant?

Supporter of terrorism and wife-beater .

Excellent. Here's apprentice social commentator Asuka Langley Soru:

He seems to have a problem with women. Sometimes you just have to smack a bitch. Sean Connery knows.

Think you captured Mandela's legendary dignity beautifully there. What does your role model, Martin, make of the 20th anniversary?

I want to know how Nelson could shag an ugly old boot like Winnie.

Perfect. Did you have more to say, Grant?

And indeed have 2 children with her.

Indeed. He must have, erm, shagged her at least twice, then.

But, all his life Mandela has sheltered behind killers, getting them to do his dirty work, with him always putting on the smiling face.

Must be what the Nobel jury had in mind. Any other inspirational leaders you'd like to pay tribute to?

Reminds me of Gandhi , who also learned his dirty trade in S. Africa.

First class. Shame you didn't get a dig in at Martin Luther King, too.

Death Cult 2010: The BBC

There are moments in nightmares when terror overwhelms us as we realise that nothing is as we thought it was. Thanks to the wisdom of Biased BBC, we can now see that our beloved Auntie Beeb is not the benign old friend we imagined: Auntie is nothing less than a death cult, says Biased BBC's Angel of Mercy, St David Vance. (This is because BBC News has been debating assisted suicide.)

As ever the bias-hunters set to their work of deconstructing The BBC's death-dealing ways; puppy-dog keen poster Paddy finds a neat parallel between The BBC and its own coverage:

I know a pateint.

So long as you don't claim to have invented the iPod you should be all right.

a pateint…

A patient? My mistake. How is he?

They have come to the end of their productive lives.

Lives? A Buddhist, or a Hindu, or possibly the victim of an unscrupulous hypnotist, perhaps?

All they do all day is excrete bile

Quite unlike Biased BBC.

and purile exudate.

Snot true, surely?

They have lost all their mental capacities and stumble along blindly in such a deluded state that one can only pity them. Better to put them out of their misery now before they lose whats left of their remaining dignity.

Who is this deluded soul? Or souls, depending on your grasp of the concepts of singular and plural?

Now where can i find a pillow big enough to cover the face of the BBC?

Far too kind, Paddy. Our made-up opinion poll suggests Biased BBC readers would vote 4-1 in favour of a chainsaw.

Speaking of bloody mayhem, what does legendary social commentator Martin make of the euthanasia debate? Or is he too busy poking around among the turds?

They day you can't wipe your own arse is the day in my view enough is enough.

Knew that arses would feature somewhere. Well done.

Rancid Puss-Filled Cocks: The BBC, Bias And Civility

Biased BBC supremo David Vance is a man who cares passionately about standards, as befits a spokesman for Ulster’s newest Unionist party. Today, he’s reminding his bias-hunters to be civil.

No problemo. Here are prime examples of Biased BBC civility culled from the last two weeks. Each is directed at the BBC or its workforce:

Envirofaggotry Camp beeboid (why are ALL males at the BBC so camp by the way?) Scabby Logan my favourite mincer (Nikki Campbell) Beeboid scum the fat shit Mardell they are all scumbags LibLeft cocain addicted Islingtonite lentil munchers Camp male beeboid the really vile Gabby Logan the BBC love taking the piss out of the Holocaust beeboid scumbags The SS kicking the shit out of the BBC BBC Gestapo/SS They would much prefer a terrorist attack seriously subversive and treasonous sticking up for the towel heads YET again vindictive bastards drugged up arseholes a leftie wank fest drug addled beeboids we have dubbed BBC radio as Obama Radio Fellatio shit Utter utter garbage from start to finish beeboid wank fest Cocaine addled beeboids two beeboid twats Shitman spouting their bollocks ecowacko bumchums Harrabin-Laden Knicker wetting female on Radio 5 leftie dykes their founder Goebbels fat shit Mardell knee-jerk totalitarian statists truly a vile individual (Jim Naughtie) camp male beeboid useless old dog Stephanie you turd fat boy Mardell Kraut Frei fatty Mardell Essler you beeboid tool Camp beeboid on aircraft carrier I bet he jacked himself off Utter utter shite from the BBC Fat slob Mardell spouting yet more crap Utter utter effing bollocks Mardell you tool Mardell should remove his nose from Obama's skid marked arse more shit twats at the BBC bigging up Mong drug addicts Fat shit Mardell pile of crap blog a fat git like YOU an arm of the current socio-marxist government intellectually fascist Statist rat face an arsehole, she's also a liar grinning like one eyed Scottish mong you leftie knob the usual lefty puke inducing garbage a key propaganda arm of the enemy at time of war liberal dyke Fatty STOP WHINIG YOU STUPID DRUG TAKING TOOLS pretty vile output Fatboy Nolan that dyke gets everywhere Easton has crawled out from his festering hole the BBC employ thousands of drug taking lefties a vile fat slug his shit show Dopey dyke scum cesspit of leftie scum addled on Cocaine and up the arse of the Labour party handwringing lefty cocksmokers Kill it with fire Shits sticking their rancid puss filled cocks up the arse of Obama once again

Our environmental protection unit monitors this outflow in the public interest, and it has discovered that the vast majority of this sewage emanates from one source: The leading social commentator, Martin.

Martin today offers fellow bias-hunters an explanation for this onslaught:

I try to be on good behaviour but sometimes trolls and beeboids just make it impossible to resist.

Entirely understandable, old chum, and completely consistent with David Vance's mission statement for Biased BBC:

Biased BBC is and shall remain a place for civilised debate and attempts to suggest otherwise are pathetic.

Indeed, so high is Biased BBC's reputation for civilised discourse that the official statement announcing Mr Vance's elevation to the Traditional Unionist Voice party failed to mention this striking contribution to the public good. At all!

How modest.

All Muslims Are... Whatever

Biased BBC is, of course, the go-to place to learn about The BBC's many failings as a provider of news and information. It prides itself on Exposing The Reporting Bias Of The BBC. Today, leading social commentator Martin gives us a masterclass in the appropriate methodology for exposing al Beeb distortion.

First, Martin posts on the shortcomings of Islam:

There is no such thing as a 'moderate Muslim' it's a figment of a Cocaine addled brain.

1. All Muslims believe Muslims should not marry non Muslims

2. All Muslims believe that a Muslim cannot leave Islam (if they do they face death)

3. All Muslims think a bit of bottom action between men is wrong and punishable by death

4. All Muslims hate Jews

5. All Muslims have a chip on both shoulders.

Long-time Biased BBC commenter Grant offers a slight course correction:

Really hate to rattle your cage but :-

1. My wife is muslim and , despite being an atheist, I am accepted by my muslim inlaws.

2. That is not quite true. I know many apostates in Turkey, Malaysia, and W. Africa who are tolerated.

3. Difficult to prove scientifically, but I suspect homosexuality in practice is more common in "muslim countries" than non-muslim countries. Homosexual brothels are quite common in the muslim countries I know.

4. Absolutely not true, in my experience, and my knowledge of history. Not all muslims hate Jews.

5. Again, not my experience of living in 3 "muslim" countries.

I am not defending the religion, nor indeed any religion, but I do think it is dangerous to generalise. And I have never taken cocaine in my life !

Martin hastens to reassure Grant that all is well:

Grant, generalisation is the only way to work. I'm sure there are (or were) nice Communists and Nazi's, does that mean that what they believed in was acceptable? The wet liberals generalise about right wing Americans all the time.

Indeed.

Oral History: Obama Radio Fellatio

It's inconceivable that anyone could ever take a positive view of Barack Obama, so Radio 4's announcement of a programme about people who named their babies after the new President has been met with justifiable incredulity at Biased BBC.

Here's Asuka Langley Soryu:

It takes a special kind of ignorant asshole to name their child after a politican.

Politican: A weird hybrid of pelican and politician. That would never do. Stick with Jordan. Or Chardonnay.

Especially one who's achieved so little and seems to be going for some sort of unpopularity record. I haven't met one of these assclowns because I don't live in some Third World shithole (yet)...

You'd be very popular.

…or Lefty enclave, but I'd dearly like to meet one of these people...and punch them in the throat. Damn.

A strong reaction, seeing as how the show hasn't aired yet. What do you think, BenS?

This programme is pure desperation... I can only imagine it being unbelievably rubbish.

Always better to imagine than to listen, BenS. Lot less effort, too.

Why, here's magiclantern1, who claims to have worked at al Beeb. Still nostalgic about BBC West Midlands, magic-l?

In my house we have dubbed BBC radio as Obama Radio Fellatio.

Blow me. Any sexual references you want to titillate us with, Martin?

The BBC paint over St Barry's ever falling popularity and the fact the Dems are going ot get creamed up the upcoming elections. But hey let's not let facts get in the way of a beeboid wank fest.

Excellent. And thanks for the tissue. Over to a British expat in the USA. Welcome, Martin Hague.

Obama is a bad joke. He is litterally making it up as he goes along, and he has an infantile understanding of the real world.

A mistake Biased BBC is never likely to make. Litterally.

Ein Volk, Ein Reich, Ein BBC!

Perhaps the most admirable aspect of Biased BBC - OK, one of the many admirable aspects - is its love of understatement. Leading social commentator Martin illustrates this perfectly during today's deeply paranoid/ utterly confused/ coolly analytical debate about the role of the police investigating the leaking of the CRU emails on climate change:

Just like the Nazis

Good of you to come clean. Oh...

Just like the Nazis (the BBC is the SS

Must re-visit the history books, but I have no recollection of the lads with the death's head insignia organising Saturday night entertainment for the Reich. Or reading the News, either.

and the Liebour party vermin are the Gestapo)

With powers of arrest and detention. And a tendency to torture.

if you don't agree with the BBc/Nu Liebour stance you are deemed a terrorist and dragged away.

Forelock-tugging Brown-worship is everywhere in today's UK. No-one dares say a thing against him. Except Biased BBC. Bravo to ze Resistance!

Remember poor old Walter Wolfgang

A lifelong socialist, anti-Zionist Jewish man who strongly opposes British intervention in American wars and holds office in CND. An unlikely hero for Biased BBC, but hey-ho.

Dragged away by thick inbred scum (the Police)

Perhaps we should organise a special breeding programme for our elite law-enforcers. Strong athletic types with keen blue eyes and flaxen hair. That kind of thing.

under terrorism legislation simpyl for saying rubbish to professional turd sniffer Jack man of Straw.

Glad you could get a turd in. Good work, Martin.

The Liebour party should be thrown out of power and locked in prison for this ONE single event only.

Even Walter might find that an over-reaction. Plus he served on Labour's NEC afterwards, so no to that, I'd have thought.

Damien Green was arrested under terrorism legislation. It seems this bunch of scumbag Socialists use the Police and BBC to do their vile work.

Small doubt creeps in here. Is there anyone we can trust to do anything in the public interest? At all?

Patrick Moore: The Future Of Telly

It occupies the sharpest brains at News Corporation, but such is the TV savvy stored up at Biased BBC, the bias-hunting boys nailed it in a few minutes today: What will drive more people to Sky's digital service?

Set the scene for us, Martin...

sky invested billions in the technology, the BBC invest in Cocaine.

So that's why the Beeb chose White City…

Get your flotation devices ready, here's PacificRising:

If the BBC could be purged of it's LibLeft cocain addicted Islingtonite lentil munchers then it might be worth reforming

Don't forget the rent boys...

otherwise it should be broken up,

It's kinder in the end.

as much as I would miss "The Sky at Night", "Something Understood" and the "Moral Maze".

I think we all would.

Fresh from his 24-hour war on terror, here's Jack Bauer with a message from our sponsors:

talking Sky At Night (one of the few BBC self-generated shows I enjoy), have you a Sky subscription?

Alas no. What is this Sky of which you speak, Jack?

They have about a 1000 channels. Some of them seem to be put together by one man and his dog.

That would be the Sheepdog Service. Sponsored by Rover.

Patrick Moore could start the SKY AT NIGHT channel ... all SAN all the time.

How absolutely fascinating.

Seriously, those Beeboidhead fanatics who want to force the rest us to pay for their fanaticism have a mindset locked into 1955 and the Politburo

It's the missile parades on May Day which give them away.

It's like they don't even know about the most revolutionary changes to the media since Gutenberg.

Someone's got to tell them, and Jack, you're our only hope. Start with newspapers and work your way up to radio. I'll try to explain TV but it'll be tough. And don't dare confuse them with the web.

What do you reckon, Martin?

The Sky at night is an interesting programme.

If I understand Sir Patrick correctly, Biased BBC is actually located at the heart of the Crab Nebula.

The BBC have tolerated the politically incorrect non dumbed down show for 50 years.

There you go: Zero commitment. Typical BBC!

Show done by mostly white males (yuk) and not a lesbian or Muslim in sight.

Bit like that other unloved offspring, Top Gear.

The BBC are probably waiting for Moore to kick the bucket so they can do to it what they did to Country File, turn it into a townie politically correct climate change love fest.

A tough call for a programme about the universe. But the bastards'll die trying.

Welcome back, PacificRising, how are you finding consumer choice in TV land?

I haven't got a Sky subscription because I was worried about the kids being distracted from their schoolwork by the Disney Channel.

Least of your worries. CBBC is like crack to our brood.

But if Patrick Moore had a slot on Sky I would reconsider.

Apparently it's their next big marketing campaign. Once we all tire of sport.