Satan Smokes. In The Vatican. Apparently.

There are dark forces at work in these troubled times, and Biased BBC's Witchfinder General David Vance knows what they are. Only recently, he was warning us about Zombies in British life. Today, he brings sulphurous news of the cloven-hoofed Beast. Cue Tubular Bells:

Sex abuse scandals in the Roman Catholic Church are proof that that "the Devil is at work inside the Vatican",

That's a good one. Takes the pressure off the humans, anyway.

according to the Holy See's chief exorcist.

A person we take with enormous seriousness.

Father Gabriele Amorth, 85, who has been the Vatican's chief exorcist for 25 years

He must know what he's doing, then.

and says he has dealt with 70,000 cases of demonic possession,

Aaaah-ha...

said that the consequences of satanic infiltration included power struggles at the Vatican

Right.

as well as "cardinals who do not believe in Jesus, and bishops who are linked to the Demon".

Uh huh.

He added: "When one speaks of 'the smoke of Satan' [a phrase coined by Pope Paul VI in 1972] in the holy rooms, it is all true

Nicorette could have helped with that.

– including these latest stories of violence and paedophilia."

Hello? Carabinieri? The man you seek is a Mr. Beelzebub….

Well, is he right?

I should say so and I'm also sure the Nigerian oil minister's money will be in my bank account any day now. Where can I buy striped paint, by the way? The gaffer says I should fetch some.

I think in a way he is.

(Cough) Indeed. (Cough)

Those of us who hold the Christian faith understand that Satan IS everywhere,

That would be Simon Cowell. Or maybe Piers Morgan. Easily confused.

the Bible tells us so.

It's also very helpful on the subject of masturbation, sacrifice and the problem of menstruating women. From memory.

This is his realm,

I'm sure. Did Mike Oldfield ever do anything else?

we are all fallen creatures open to temptation,

The Orchestral Version. Bit pointless, wasn't it?

and that is why we need to turn to Christ.

May be your best bet come Election Day, David.

Scientific note: Mr Vance's posting scores 7.3 Noeledmunds on the Brass Eye Credulousness Scale.

Death Cult 2010: The BBC

There are moments in nightmares when terror overwhelms us as we realise that nothing is as we thought it was. Thanks to the wisdom of Biased BBC, we can now see that our beloved Auntie Beeb is not the benign old friend we imagined: Auntie is nothing less than a death cult, says Biased BBC's Angel of Mercy, St David Vance. (This is because BBC News has been debating assisted suicide.)

As ever the bias-hunters set to their work of deconstructing The BBC's death-dealing ways; puppy-dog keen poster Paddy finds a neat parallel between The BBC and its own coverage:

I know a pateint.

So long as you don't claim to have invented the iPod you should be all right.

a pateint…

A patient? My mistake. How is he?

They have come to the end of their productive lives.

Lives? A Buddhist, or a Hindu, or possibly the victim of an unscrupulous hypnotist, perhaps?

All they do all day is excrete bile

Quite unlike Biased BBC.

and purile exudate.

Snot true, surely?

They have lost all their mental capacities and stumble along blindly in such a deluded state that one can only pity them. Better to put them out of their misery now before they lose whats left of their remaining dignity.

Who is this deluded soul? Or souls, depending on your grasp of the concepts of singular and plural?

Now where can i find a pillow big enough to cover the face of the BBC?

Far too kind, Paddy. Our made-up opinion poll suggests Biased BBC readers would vote 4-1 in favour of a chainsaw.

Speaking of bloody mayhem, what does legendary social commentator Martin make of the euthanasia debate? Or is he too busy poking around among the turds?

They day you can't wipe your own arse is the day in my view enough is enough.

Knew that arses would feature somewhere. Well done.

The Rt. Rev. Prostitute & His Grace The Cheerleader

Biased BBC's distinctive dialect Advanced Vance™ is especially useful in helping us to speak of religious matters. Today, B-BBC Grand Ayatollah David Vance shows us how this special patois can assist us in discussing the role of the Church in supporting political negotiations:

The leaders of Ireland's four main churches have urged politicians to redouble their efforts in talks to save the future of the Stormont power-sharing government.

Good for them. Putting aside doctrinal differences for the greater good.

Their plea came after Prime Minister Gordon Brown and Taoiseach Brian Cowen left the talks venue at Hillsborough castle, Co Down, on Wednesday without securing agreement.

It's tough getting Sinn Fein and the DUP to see eye-to-eye on law'n'order. Who knows - perhaps a Right Reverend or two can smooth the process?

It's a favoured tactic of government...

Uh-oh...

...to drag out these clerical clowns…

Advanced Vance™ : Clerical Clowns = The leaders of the Catholic, Anglican, Presbyterian and Methodist Churches in Ireland.

…and get them to act as echo chambers for prevailing policy.

Advanced Vance™ : Echo Chambers = People who disagree with David Vance.

After all, they were to the fore in cheer-leading to get convicted murderers out of prison…

Advanced Vance™ : Cheer-leading etc. = Supporting the Good Friday Peace Process

...so we can all see how morally bankrupt they are.

Advanced Vance™ : Morally bankrupt = People who disagree with David Vance.

And now, they PLEAD for the political class to prostitute the essential tenets of Policing and Justice so that the IRA can also corrupt that.

Advanced Vance™ : Prostitute the essential tenets etc. = Stand by the St Andrews Agreement on devolving power to Northern Ireland.

Wholly fools.

Advanced Vance™ : Wholly fools = Anyone with religious authority who dares disagree with David Vance.

I also note that "business leaders" and trade unionists have been on the media also begging for a rancid deal.

That's religion, the world of business and trade unionism who agree with Downing St and with the Irish Government... and therefore oppose David Vance's will. Everyone lets David Vance down.

It's 1998 all over again. It's still right to say No.

Advanced Vance™ : 1998 = 1690

The BBC narrative on what is happening here...

Advanced Vance™ : The BBC narrative = Impartial reporting.

...is framed in almost childish terms.

Advanced Vance™ : Childish Terms = The BBC refusing to accept No Surrender as the entire basis for Northern Ireland politics.

What We Want Is Dead Presenters

Perhaps it's the celtic temperament, but David Vance often reminds us of the great Sir Alex Ferguson: Red-faced, ranting and gifted with a blind spot the size of Scotland.

Plus he's brilliant at encouraging young talent. Here he is, warming up young Chris Hartnett for a go at posting on Biased BBC. Chris is taking the Vidic role, and today he's marking the West Stand's latest hate figure, Marcus Brigstocke:

Just back from a few days away to find that one Robin Ince has got a science/comedy programme series starting today. Robin is a sidekick of Ricky Gervais and had Dara O` Briain on as a guest.

Worth a listen. Thanks for the tip.

My problem is this-all three are militant atheists...

Militant? Are there weapons involved?

militant atheists who have appeared at various functions to mock Christmas amongst other things.

They tell Xmas-themed jokes, then.

This is not to say that they may not be funny...

That would be helpful in a comedy programme.

I don`t know...but can I assume that their atheism is a major link in them all getting commissions and the invitations on each others shows.

Almost certainly. There's a secret handshake they all do. Then they're quids in.

Wonder if, in the cause of "balance", we will now get a few Christians being able to appoint each other in an unthreatening and lucrative way?

God, no. Apart from Songs Of Praise, Thought For The Day, The Daily Worship, last year's glossy drama series about Jesus and lots more, Christians never get a look-in.

It seems to me that a Marcus Brigstocke would never get a platform to go on Question Time as a " comedian" if his brother was not something big at the Beeb

Disgraceful, if true. (Sadly, it's not. Dominic Brigstocke, if that's who you're thinking of, is a freelance director.)

Just feel that there is a rather creepy consensus going at by the BBCs commissioning types-same prep schools, same names and certainly same views on Europe,on "global warming" and on Christianity

It's Health And Safety gone mad. Plus being funny helps.

(but not too much said about Islam-cannot think why!)

Perhaps you missed Brigstocke's commentary on the Iranian elections? He had a go at that vicious little thug Ahmedinejad and his Islamo-freaky bosses.

Looking forward to the BBC doing a "Family Tree" type programme on who knows who from where-and who gets to "be funny" at the taxpayers expense!

They wouldn't dare: Oh, hang on...apart from the 50 episodes of Comedy Connections on BBC One.

P.S-Couldn`t help but notice that we recently celebrated the first anniversary of the Ross and Brand incident with Leonard Sachs...surely this was an "iconic" moment on which contemporary BBC protocols and procedures were forged in the white heat of controversy and drame

Dyno-rod? Got a problem with our drames. When can you get here?

-why then no programme to mark those tremendous events of late Oct/Nov last year?

Great idea: Let's demand a whole week of shows across all channels and all media. ITV are planning a month of programmes on the anniversary of their premium-phone-line-voting embarrassments, I'm sure.

I`m sure Paxman and Wheeler were by the wall in Lime Grove with fireworks so there MUST be some archive filmstock left...

Now that I'd pay to see. Charles Wheeler had been dead five months by the time Sachsgate happened. What was Paxman thinking of?

Update: Chris is given another post this morning to make himself clear, though his name changed mysteriously from Hartnett to Bartlett. And then back again:

Paxman could not be found anywhere near the revolutions of 89-none of them!...but still the archive film shows him shouting at Charles Wheeler when the firework display was an-old Reagans bit at the wall previously was left on the shelf,due to lack of time and never "editorial bias".

Glad you cleared that up. And a big thanks to David Vance for boosting young talent, irrespective of its ability to make sense. Or the variability of its surname. God Bless your noble heart, sir.

Never Give A Jew The Torah

It goes without saying that Biased BBC sets the standard for evidence-based criticism. But sometimes even B-BBC outdoes itself. All praise to the saintly All Seeing Eye for this devastating critique of BBC vileness:

Did anyone catch the recent "Desert Island Discs" featuring Anthony Julius who was Lady Diana`s lawyer?

Sounds as if you did.

He had said that he was Jewish and loved English Literature enough to have wanted for some time to teach it.

Excellent. If a little dull.

At the end she presumed to offer him a copy of the Torah - and he protested saying that he wanted the full King James Version of the Bible so he would still have access to the beauties of the New Testament.

Is that the time? And I haven't yet walked the dog.

The BBC is full of this anti-Christian presumption.

Murdoch…Walkies! Sorry, what did you say?

The BBC is full of this anti-Christian presumption.

The bastards! Offering a Jewish man his own religious scripture? (Are we sure this is out of order?)

I assume that Kirsty and team did not already know that the Torah IS the Old Testament

Oi! Young! Noooo! (Is it possible that they thought some Jews might find the New Testament a bit tricky since Jesus is not actually their Messiah?)

but are they not commiting (by their lights!) the cardinal sins of stereotyping and patronising a Jewish person to presume that he might automatically take the Torah?

Stereotyping for sure. Unlike assuming that everyone wants to take The Bible in the first place.

Julius deserves credit for being so forbearing of the caricaturing!

As a lawyer he'd know that The Religious Persecution (Assuming Jews Follow Their Own Faith) Act 1973 gives him full redress.

Add this to the "Good Rebellion, Sir" stance that they take as a matter of course with this question at the end.

That's why they ask, of course. No, really.

A David Walliams and the like are somewhat lionised as and when they refuse the offer of the Bible by the admiring Kirsty and her ilk

She takes her orders from Satan. That's why they chose her.

...seems to be desired even to show how much against "The Man" they all are!

Not sure that makes sense. Is this the same BBC which Biased BBC routinely accuses of institutional anti-semitism, by the way?

Note: This item was submitted by a reader and will be updated with attribution when he/she confirms how they want it to appear.

Possibly too embarrassed. We can but hope.

If you spot anything you think merits inclusion please contact us here.

But try not to be so desperate.

Religious guidance: All Seeing Eye is the progenitor of the sacred …Is A Cunt blog, whose Godliness and sublime use of English are often remarked upon.

God Doesn't Want Us To Use Convenience Stores

The conviction of three Muslim men for plotting to blow up civilian airliners has produced some remarkable restraint at Biased BBC. Or perhaps not.

But the murderous intent of the East London jihadis is only a sideshow. The real story is the BBC's tireless promoting of Islamism. Apparently.

Even at this hour, RockLobster stands out among the B-BBC wi-fi warriors. He has, no less, devised a new credo for the Christian English. It is vivid and spiritual, second in beauty only to the King James Bible:

I boycott muslim petrol stations

Well done. Something to do with the War On Terror?

mainly because the attendants are miserable bastards who never say please or thankyou.

Okey-dokey. Can't be your own attitude. That's for sure.

I boycott curry houses

That'll keep the queues down at the Indian Spice Hut.

(unless they're proper Indians)

How can you tell? And why? Is it the War On Terror?

because halal meat disgusts me and I can cook a better curry myself

Same reason I avoid Michelin-starred joints.

I can cook better myself (ut's not difficult)

Ut never is.

and not feel crap in the morning.

Unlike now. When you're a little ray of sunshine.

I boycott muslim newsagents/grocers

There's a theme developing here…

because I've lost count of the times I've bought out of date food in such places.

Checking the labels before you purchase should be your watchword.

I boycott the BBC

They didn't give you food poisoning too?

because it seems to hold islam above christianity

Are you sure, vicar? May I call you Rev?

(I'm not a believer in god but I do have christian values).

Of which the greatest is charity, I believe.

Sadly, I still have to pay for the BBC.

Increase the payments.

Perhaps they'll give Christianity a bigger say: You're such a great advert for the True Way.