All Muslims Are... Whatever

Biased BBC is, of course, the go-to place to learn about The BBC's many failings as a provider of news and information. It prides itself on Exposing The Reporting Bias Of The BBC. Today, leading social commentator Martin gives us a masterclass in the appropriate methodology for exposing al Beeb distortion.

First, Martin posts on the shortcomings of Islam:

There is no such thing as a 'moderate Muslim' it's a figment of a Cocaine addled brain.

1. All Muslims believe Muslims should not marry non Muslims

2. All Muslims believe that a Muslim cannot leave Islam (if they do they face death)

3. All Muslims think a bit of bottom action between men is wrong and punishable by death

4. All Muslims hate Jews

5. All Muslims have a chip on both shoulders.

Long-time Biased BBC commenter Grant offers a slight course correction:

Really hate to rattle your cage but :-

1. My wife is muslim and , despite being an atheist, I am accepted by my muslim inlaws.

2. That is not quite true. I know many apostates in Turkey, Malaysia, and W. Africa who are tolerated.

3. Difficult to prove scientifically, but I suspect homosexuality in practice is more common in "muslim countries" than non-muslim countries. Homosexual brothels are quite common in the muslim countries I know.

4. Absolutely not true, in my experience, and my knowledge of history. Not all muslims hate Jews.

5. Again, not my experience of living in 3 "muslim" countries.

I am not defending the religion, nor indeed any religion, but I do think it is dangerous to generalise. And I have never taken cocaine in my life !

Martin hastens to reassure Grant that all is well:

Grant, generalisation is the only way to work. I'm sure there are (or were) nice Communists and Nazi's, does that mean that what they believed in was acceptable? The wet liberals generalise about right wing Americans all the time.

Indeed.

Boom! Ack-Ack-Ack! Perverse Admiration!

There are many ways to betray your country: Treason, cowardice or disreputable conduct, for example….or you can add all three together and become a BBC Foreign Correspondent, especially one reporting on Afghanistan. As ever, Biased BBC hotshot David Vance is pointing his trigger finger right at the Quislings from White City:

Have you picked up on BBC coverage of the Jihad attacks carried out by the Taliban in Kabul today?

Indeed. Alan Little's vivid description of fear and gunsmoke in a hotel close to the presidential palace. Felt like I could taste the cordite.

I suggest to you that the tone of the coverage was almost one of....

Urgency? Concern? Understandable personal fear that the hotel itself might be next?

….admiration.

Of course. If there's one thing conjured up by a man who's just described to you the fear of suicide bombers attacking his hotel, it's a glowing pride in the men who have been trying to kill all around him.

The BBC seems to take perverse delight...

Perverse: A bit like that bloke who decries negotiations in Afghanistan and keeps urging Israel to bomb Iran, all from the safety of his home in leafy Northern Ireland. Wossname? Oh, yes…. David Vance.

The BBC seems to take perverse delight that these dark ages barbarians can carry out such atrocities.

John Simpson, today, in Kabul:

In the eerie darkness of Kabul I spoke to a group of Afghan special forces who had fought the insurgents - tough impressive men. I asked if the Taliban could win this war. No, they shouted.

But there are other ways to win a war than simply fighting. And persuading the world that the Taliban can strike when and how they want is one of them.

Delighted? Or realistic?

Bashing The Bishop

In centuries to come, archaeologists will scour the remains of the web for the earliest beginnings of the language they will revere as Advanced Vance™, the bastard blend of bloggery and blowhard which so distinguishes David Vance's contributions to Biased BBC.

He's in fine form today, bashing the bishop who dared find a foothold for talks with the Taliban.

Poor old Bishop Venner - he has come running to the BBC

Classic Advanced Vance™. Come Running = Gave An Interview.

to say that he is sorry if anyone has taken offence at his suggestion that the Taliban could be admired.

Chief Sky Pilot to Our Boys apologises to the nation. Bit of a scoop for al Beeb, surely?

Using the normal political formulation for something that looks like an apology but actually isn't,

Advanced Vance™: Actually Isn't = Hasn't Grovelled And Then Thrown Himself On Sword Yet.

he digs the hole deeper by adding...

Advanced Vance™: Digs The Hole Deeper = Explains Himself But Not In A Way We Approve Of.

"It was one small phrase in quite a long interview, and a phrase that simply said you cannot describe everybody under one heading as Taliban as being equally black, equally evil. These are human beings and there are some amongst them who could - we don't know - who could perhaps be people with whom at the end of the day we could do business."

On all fours with various world leaders, then, including Obama and Miliband and even a former commander of the 1st Battalion, the Royal Anglian Regiment.

Moral equivocation is very much at the heart of the BBC agenda

Advanced Vance™: Moral Equivocation = Willingness To Negotiate. From the man who thinks the Northern Irish peace process was a terrible mistake.

and so it must be a dream for them that this clerical clown comes out and praises Jihadists for their devotion to Islam.

Which is why they give his apology top billing. Because they love Jihad so much. Naturally.

Artificial Floavouring

A happy day for all those who believe Britain is one hijab away from slavery: A British Muslim was convicted of conspiring to murder civilians, and then a couple of Christian hoteliers were cleared of insulting an Islamic convert.

You'll never guess who failed to do justice to this wondrous day: The BBC. No, really.

Thank God Biased BBC is here to put them right. Crusader-in-chief David Vance leads the charge:

OK, so it's not the lead story and indeed one has to click across from the main newspage to even see it.

Yeah. Just boring stories about the Budget. And they call that journalism?

I refer to the item curiously entitled "UK Muslim guilty of planning attack".

Something about kittens, maybe? Or I'm A Celebrity?

Mmmm

Uh oh.

a tad innocuous but curiosity got the better of me

Curiosity about any story with the word Muslim in it, perhaps?

so I went over and discovered that the actual story is that several Muslims have been convicted of planning mass murder over the Atlantic.

The plot ringleaders were actually convicted in September. This week's accused were their gofers. And only one of them was convicted of the main charge of conspiracy to murder. Hence the headline.

So, "Jihad horror averted" might have been more accurate,

That would be old news. The plot was made public in August 2006. It's why we have to stick our toothpaste in see-through bags before we get it X-rayed.

or perhaps "Muslim plot to murder hundreds of British people"......

Or possibly: Jail All Muslims Now, Otherwise They'll Kill Us In Our Sleep.

but I guess "UK Muslim guilty of planning attack" fits the bill for the BBC.

By being accurate and not inflammatory, David. Oh, look: Here's George R, who shares with no-one his devotion to naming and shaming Mohammedans.

the issue is about how the BBC politically shields Islam in its biased use of e.g. the wording of its headlines.

Shielding Islam? Only if you assume that all Islamics are terrorists. Which you do, so fair enough.

Never mind. We can all rejoice that the God-bothering Scouse hoteliers got off their charge of insulting an Islamic guest, can't we, Mr Vance?

Quite obviously this was another pointless prosecution by the CPS but I notice that twice in the BBC item they repeat the CPS claim that there was sufficient evidence to bring the prosecution.

Though they ran more of the judge rubbishing the charge.

If only the Judge had agreed, eh? I am sure the BBC must be gutted.

But you'd be wrong.

Why, it's B-BBC's leading social commentator Martin. You must be very pleased, Marty...

It was a nonsensical prosecution, it was simply one persons word against another's without any other evidence.

Untrue. A born-again Christian guest gave evidence against the hoteliers. But what the heck.

We see Muzzie's spitting hate all the time in London or at soldiers parades and the Police do NOTHING, so why act in this case?

Apart from the 7 Muslim protesters awaiting trial over the anti-Army protest. But what the heck. Again.

Perhaps John Anderson can offer a fresh perspective.

Press reports suggested that the Muslim woman was a bit of a nutter, grossly over-reacting, playing the victim.

Google News has little truck with a search for nutter in the trial reports. Or grossly over-reacting. Fancy that.

But somehow that floavour did not appear in BBC reports.

Good point. We want more floavour from the Beeb. And less objectivity.

So their Muslim supporters in-house, and listeners, can feel that justice has been denied.

What we really need is a news service staffed by Biased BBC contributors. Justice and accuracy personified. Accuracy especially.

The Taliban: Gay Icons

Which response might this image conjure up?

1. It's OK. I've got Cat Stevens on my iPod.

2. Me? British? Whatever gave you that impression?

3. Take the phone and the wallet but please don't hurt me.

4. Meet me down the sauna, big boy, and let me feel your heat-seeking missile.

Wally tells Biased BBC readers that the correct answer is (4). Al Beeb is gay for Jihadis:

The BBC news frontpage on their website has a pic of a typical taliban.

More than one by the look of it.

The romanticised photo of a young mujahid - face covered in a scarf, that streams behind him in the wind, so that only his eyes can be seen, fixed dramatically on the horizon, as he totes a machine gun

Romanticised?

(It) has proved a little too much for Harry's Place. Their entry dealing with it is headed: "Tali-hunk,

Hunk, you say.

"I can’t imagine why young men might want to leave their drab Northern British towns to go fight with the Taliban."

On the one hand, less rain. On the other, more sudden death.

It's third hand, I know,

An improvement on the Biased BBC standard, nevertheless.

but a poster on Guido's once claimed to know a doctor who had told him that he had never met one of these 'much vaunted FCO Arabists who was not a sodomite.'

All gay. Even the women. And your source is compelling.

Michiner's novel, 'The Source' has one Israeli character claiming that (public school educated) British officers favoured Arabs over Jews, in the early days of the Mandate,

Clinching proof. Is there more?

because they found the thought of galloping through the desert night sitting on the back of a white stallion shared with a bedouin gave them a bigger thrill than that of dealing with people they knew mainly as tailors, shopkeepers and businessmen.

Case closed. Yet I see you're not finished…

A poster on Harry's Place wrote rhapsodically about how he had been one of an all boys together group in a Morocan hamman - they had all wanted to take theirswimming trunks off but knew it would be wrong.

But oh so right. No doubt.

I wonder if something of the same drive lies behind much of the Islamophilia disolayed by the BBC.

Yes indeed. Taliban big on gay lust in steam rooms. And BBC types right behind them.

Since, by all accounts, Talibs stand out in northern Pakistan towns because of their filthy, unkempt appearance, I'm sure they could have found a more realistic photo.

Or Photoshopped it at the very least. The Unkempt Tool is so underused by the Mainstream Media.

Blessed Are The Benefit Claimants

It's 7.49 and time for Thought For The Day. Our speaker today is pounce, chaplain to the massed bands of The Biased BBC Regiment:

the bBC, they love the radical Islamic way of life.

Lying for allah

Free benefits for allah

I am a victim for allah

the bBC loves allah.

Amen.

Curious Fact: pounce claims to have been raised by a strict Islamic Pakistani father.

Legal Note: On the evidence of the above, Allah is almost certainly the subject of fraudulent claims against the Benefits System. It's unlikely that any N.I. number has ever been issued to a non-corporeal deity.

Piggy-Back: The New Martial Art (For Use On Muslims)

The growing threat of the Muslim menace isn't just fodder for the Biased BBC diaspora to air their prejudices insights. Oh no.

David Vance's indispensable Irish blog is now offering essential advice to those in fear of necklace-nicking no-goods of the Koranic persuasion. Thank The Lord for Grizzly Mama, the blog-world's answer to Harry Enfield's Self-Righteous Brothers.

A moslem man ripped a crucifix from a customer's neck, starts screaming and yelling about how great his god is, rants and raves anti Christian junk. I'm trying to imagine what I would do if someone did this to me

Chances are very high. No, really.

I think that I would be totally shocked, and would probably stand there with my mouth hanging open in disbelief.

Close it very quick. He might grab your fillings, too.

What do you think that you would do?

Channel Mr Enfield: Oi! Islamic! Noooo!

Let's make a pact: Let's determine our course of action for future reference - just in case.

We could call it Neighbourhood Tosh.

Sort of like a fire drill,

Only much more serious.

or having your plan ready for if someone tries to knock your front door down while you're watching the late show.

How busy is your life exactly?

I know what I would do in the fire drill and attempted break-in. We have put things in place, and thought about it, and in the case of fire drills - have even practiced it.

How about a Late Show drill? You can never be too careful.

If a moslem were to rip my crucifix off of my neck and start screaming at me - or if I witnessed such an action happening to another, I have determined to act.

Just be yourself. Acting's hard to keep up unless you've been to RADA.

Without a plan, and depending on the time of day and how I'm feeling at the moment, I would normally: 1) Scream and freak out - possibly attempt to physically restrain the object of my ire, or 2) start crying and run.

Have you thought of combining all of the above?

With my newly found determination, I have decided that, no matter how frightened I may be, I will confront the aggressor verbally and loudly.

If that Islamic showed up round my house, I'd say: Oi! Mohammedan! Noooo!

If the aggressor is physically threatening, I will jump on his/her back

Good move. But how, exactly?

(piggy back style)

You're a pro. He won't be expecting that.

and cover their eyes with my forearms and hang on for dear life

Have you considered packing stirrups? Just in case.

all the while screaming at the top of my lungs.

Let it rip. It's the only high-decibel language they understand.

Are you with me??

Try and keep me away!