Friday, 4 December 2009

Apart From That, Mrs V, How Did You Enjoy Your Anniversary?

Many congratulations to Biased BBC's Best Man, David Vance. Yesterday was his wedding anniversary. Old romantic that he is, David spent Mrs Vance's special day furiously uploading his robust opinions…. 18 blog entries, 27 comments, one tweet and 80 liveblog messages, as well as disagreeing with everyone else for half an hour on live radio.

To celebrate 22 years of coupledom, David posted to Biased BBC, his Irish orifice A Tangled Web and sundry other outlets. Plus the biased, anti-democratic BBC proved its prejudice by inviting him on one of its left-wing radio shows...

What emerges from this frantic activity is is a man with scarcely any time to breathe, never mind read or think: Every single brain impulse seems to be digitised and offered to us, whether we want it or not. Just the person to take a calm, rational view of the BBC and its thousands of hours of output.

Some measure of the impartiality he brings to assessing the BBC: He demanded that Israel bomb Iran, that Martin McGuinness and some UVF bloke be hanged, that Islam be banned and its mosques demolished. He also offered his unlikely support to a Catholic Cardinal, but only because the clergyman was in trouble with Rome for saying gays could never go to heaven.

At 9.53 pm he did two things:

1. He commented on a picture about a fat bloke in an airline seat.

2. He dedicated a You Tube pop video to his dear wife, without whom nothing is apparently possible. The old softy.

Twenty-four hours, then, in the life of the internet's unstoppable sluice:

08:03: (BBBC) David's day begins. He is unhappy that Tracey Emin is interviewed on Today about global warming. Shares with us.

08:21: (ATW) The PM is apparently planning a "class war" approach to the next election, according to the Daily Mail. David is sure he'll fail, and shares this with us.

08:22: (ATW) A Catholic Cardinal says gays will never go to heaven. The Vatican isn't keen on this, but David says he's entitled to speak up. Shares with us.

08:34: (ATW) David has a pop at the DUP leader Peter Robinson. The DUP no longer has any common decency, apparently. Shares with us. (Sadly, no-one else wants to comment)

08:43: (ATW) David likes a story in The Times which says Gordon Brown was two years late writing to the father of a dead soldier. Brown is the clown in Downing Street. Shares with us. (Sadly, no comments)

08:46: (ATW) Where has Obama's magic gone, asks Der Spiegel. He never had any, says David. He is a charlatan. Shares with us. (Sadly, no comments).

08:55: (ATW) David posts a jokey You Tube video about the global warming Climategate scandal, hilariously put together by the Minnesotans 4 Global Warming.

08:59: (ATW) David wants Israel to bomb Iran because it's upscaling its nuclear reactor plans. Diplomacy is rubbish. Only warplanes will do. Shares with us.

09:06: (ATW) David has no problems with the credibility of the Daily Express. He commends an article predicting that Gordon Brown is considering a 70% top rate of tax. Labour hate success and want to punish achievers. Apparently. Shares with us. (Sadly no-one comments)

09:27: (ATW) David agrees with a poster called Big Ulsterman who says only those who put God's will above their own wishes will get to heaven..

09:30: (ATW) David is enjoying the Express, which has dug up Frederick Forsythe to poke around for the Reds Under The EU Beds. David heartily agrees. The EUSSR (is) run by people who are hard left enemies of democracy. Shares this with us.

09:40: (BBBC) Comments on a post about BBC high-earners: The BBC seems very keen to have those Bankers who earn £1+ named. (If the BBC is going to name every bank employee who earns more than a quid, they'll have no room left for programmes, David).

09:42: (ATW) David is cross with the Tories' Tim Yeo who has criticised fellow Conservative David Davis for questioning the idea of man-made global warming. Yeo is a hack on the make, and David Cameron a tree-hugger Mr Vance can't support. Shares this with us.

10:00: (Twitter) David announces he's off to BBC Northern Ireland to take part in a radio debate.

10:05 - 10.30: (BBC Northern Ireland) David is on the hateful BBC to discuss the reasons Martin McGuinness has come top of a poll of the most trusted Ulster politicians. David reminds everyone that Martin McG used to be an IRA man, but is accused by a Sinn Fein panelist of being an extremist himself. The nerve.

10:40: (BBBC) Posts someone else's hefty but mildly incoherent rant about Marcus Brigstocke and various BBC Comedy people, following up a tirade which was drowned in derision two days before. Mystifyingly, he credits the rant to one Chris Bartlett, instead of its real author, whose name is Hartnett. Shares with us.

11:17: (ATW) David is back from the radio show and not best pleased. He'll only accept McGuinness as a politician WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER. Shares with us.

12:14: (ATW) David agrees with a poster who commends Belinda Carlisle's views about heaven being here on earth. He finds her cute.

12:34: (Slugger O'Toole) David is opposed to power-sharing in Northern ireland.

12:45: (ATW) David was happy he'd given the Sinn Fein man - sorry, Herman Munster, ho ho - a good retort on the radio.

12:48: (BBBC) Admits he cocked up the author's name when posting the rant about BBC comedians two hours before.

12:51: (BBBC) Thanks one Paulo for pointing out grammatical incongruities in the comedy tirade. Paulo had pointed out that the rant was terrible, the grammar and punctuation really need some work to make it legible, it reads like the late-night ramblings of the pub drunk.

01:09: (ATW) A poster has asked how David is so sure that McGuinness is a criminal, as he claims. He should be asked what he did in the IRA, says Mr Vance.

01:11: (ATW) Wasn't David just being used by the local BBC presenter, asks IronMike? Maybe I'm using him, says David.

01:23: (ATW) David reminds us all of McGuinness's IRA membership. His nickname was the Butcher Boy, says David.

01:48: (ATW) More McGuinness. He could always sue me, says David.

03:36: (ATW) Martin McGuinness the Butcher Boy again. Plus he thanks Pinky for posting in support.

03:43: (ATW) David accuses the Government of social engineering for suggesting that that drink-drive limit should be lower. It's all about state control, apparently. Shares with us.

03:51: (ATW) David says his own book tour is just like Sarah Palin's, but without the crowds.

04:01: (ATW) McGuinness was second in command of Derry IRA. How many people did he kill, asks David.

04:33: (ATW) David agrees with JM that McGuinness probably still is a terrorist.

04:48: (ATW) David commends APL for congratulating him on the drink-driving issue. It all proves the UK is a vassal state, apparently.

04:58: (ATW) McGuinness is soaked in the blood of innocents. How could anyone call him charming?

05:17: (ATW) David tells Seamus he suffers from youth, moral bankruptcy or stupidity (or possibly all 3) for pointing out that Tony Blair helped start a war which killed a million people and yet some people describe Blair as charming.

08:04: (ATW) David feels that the BBC Northern Ireland presenter Stephen Nolan favoured his opponent earlier in the day. He cheers himself up, though, by calling for a UVF thug to be hanged, along with Martin McGuinness.

08:05: (ATW) David objects to an obese sex-offender avoiding jail because he's in poor health. Shares with us.

08:11: (ATW) More fat people. David posts a picture from the Telegraph showing a very large man overflowing an airline seat. It raises the issue of how obese travellers can be best managed, apparently. But David thinks the photo might be a fake. Shares with us.

08:19: (ATW) David prints a large chunk of anti-AGW stuff from Ann Coulter, the American right-wing poster-girl. He enjoys her views, apparently. Shares with us.

08:31: (ATW): David goes out on a limb re terrorism. Nobody deserved to die at the hands of ruthless bastards.

08:47: (ATW) Takes issue with a fellow poster who accused Ann Coulter of misrepresenting climate scientists. No, says David, misrepresentation is the scientists' motto.

09:31: (ATW) David disapproves of any leniency towards killers, even when it's suggested by his political allies.

09:32: (ATW) Jokes that he's had stimulus cash from Obama. Ho Ho.

09:51: (ATW) David at pains to point out that despite posting two fat-people stories together, he's not fattist in any way.

09:53: (ATW) David celebrates his 22nd wedding anniversary by, um, posting an old You Tube video of Don Mclean singing And I Love You So and dedicating it to his missus. The old romantic.

09:53: (ATW) David is sure the fat guy in the Telegraph airline photo is a fake.

10:03: (ATW) A man called Seamus has been disagreeing with David's views on Martin McGuinness. Seamus is a broken record without the benefit of even having a decent tune.

10:35: (BBBC) Signs on to host the infamous Question Time Liveblog. Cracks joke about Climategate.

10:38: (BBBC L/b) Another climate joke from David. Sea levels will rise 4 feet thanks to BBBC, apparently.

10:38: (BBBC L/b) David says hello. Again.

10:39: (BBBC L/b) David says the climate scientists at CRU have taught him to lie.

10:40: (BBBC L/b) David seems to think Vince Cable is Beyonce.

10:40: (BBBC L/b) David has spotted some trolls.

10:41: (BBBC L/b) David blames something on MPs' expense forms. Not clear what.

10:43: (BBBC L/b) David says we're all shareholders of the BBC. He wants to sack everybody there.

10:43: (BBBC L/b) David groans.

10:44: (BBBC L/b) David welcomes someone called WOAR to the liveblog.

10:45: (BBBC L/b) David says Vince Cable is so very wise. (Sarcasm.)

10:45: (BBBC L/b) Joins in a joke with Old Holborn about Vince Cable resembling a testicle.

10:47: (BBBC L/b) Blaming bankers only obscures Government responsibilities. Says David.

10:48: (BBBC L/b) David speaks up for bonus payments. Criticising them is spouting socialism.

10:49: (BBBC L/b) A young lady appears on screen. David is elegant: Tottie alert.

10:50: (BBBC L/b) David supports Martin… bankers may be wankers, but so are the BBC.

10:50: (BBBC L/b) Margaret Becket ain't kidding.

10:51: (BBBC L/b) We can't trust the politicians who got us into this mess to get us out of it, says David.

10:51: (BBBC L/b) A young man appears on screen in unconventional garb. David says Studentt Grant alert.

10:52: (BBBC L/b) A young woman takes a line David disapproves of: Welfare recipient?

10:52: (BBBC L/b) Tot marks for Kirsty (Allsopp), says David.

10:54: (BBBC L/b) How dare they attack St Vince! (More sarcasm)

10:54: (BBBC L/b) David is sure Kirstie Allsopp is speaking directly to the erudite B_BBC gang.

10:55: (BBBC L/b) Vince Cable is an egocentric idiot, says David.

10:56: (BBBC L/b) Tax is popular with socialist nazis, says David.

10:56: (BBBC L/b) David praises Kirstie for a good point.

10:57: (BBBC L/b) Cable is a nazi socialist.

10:57: (BBBC L/b) More on Vince: Cable hates the idea of wealth creators.

10:58: (BBBC L/b) Kirstie is very good, says David.

10:58: (BBBC L/b) David agrees that Kirstie should be on Martin's A-list. (Lucky Kirstie)

10:59: (BBBC L/b) David thinks David Dimbleby stepped in to rescue Margaret Beckett.

10:59: (BBBC L/b) David agrees with Ryan about the inadequacies of tonight's Tory spokesman Andrew Lansley MP.

10:59: (BBBC L/b) David has a policy: We need to lower taxes.

11:00: (BBBC L/b) David hates the way all lefties want to steal our assets.

11:00: (BBBC L/b) Sales tax OK, apparently.

11:02: (BBBC L/b) David spots Obama worship.

11:02: (BBBC L/b) David on Afghanistan: Kill all Taliban. No nation-building, though.

11:03: (BBBC L/b) Islam is the problem. All these gutless politicians avoid that central truth, says David.

11:03: (BBBC L/b) David suggests they have a poll.

11:04: (BBBC L/b) Lansley still displeasing David: SO dull, omg.

11:05: (BBBC L/b) David unhappy with BBC quality control.

11:07: (BBBC L/b) David says the IRA is running Ulster. It is repugnant, immoral and you be ashames of yourself for passing it off as progress, Cable.

11:08: (BBBC L/b) David advises us how to tell the Prime Minister and Gerry Adams apart: Brown is an imbecile, Adams a killer.

11:08: (BBBC L/b) Obama is an idiot but the BBC worship him, says David.

11:09: (BBBC L/b) David jokes about why someone joined the army: To visit foreign places and meet new people>?

11:09: (BBBC L/b) Oh gawd….

11:10: (BBBC L/b) David doesn't think much of the panelist Clive Anderson.

11:11: (BBBC L/b) The Taliban are planning their holidays, says David.

11:13: (BBBC L/b) Andrew Lansley is sending David to sleep. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

11:14: (BBBC L/b) No, says David.

11:15: (BBBC L/b) David is scathing about a Labour supporter: Class envy - the death rattle of the Labour scum.

11:16: (BBBC L/b) David claims to have attended Grange Hill.

11:17: (BBBC L/b) Mrs McCluskey was tough as nails. Apparently.

11:17: (BBBC L/b) David had a rough boyhood, he claims: I was thrown up….

11:17: (BBBC L/b) David is channelling a teenage txtr: BS lol!

11:18: (BBBC L/b) Rab - lol

11:18: (BBBC L/b) Back to adult speak: David wants more air time for Kirstie.

11:18: (BBBC L/b) David agrees with DavidP: Politics is showbusiness for very ugly people.

11:19: (BBBC L/b) Dross.

11:19: (BBBC L/b) The veneer slips.

11:19: (BBBC L/b) David doesn't like the way Kirstie is interrupted.

11:20: (BBBC L/b) David thinks someone might be hung.

11:20: (BBBC L/b) David congratulates Kirstie. She tries to answer the actual question.

11:22: (BBBC L/b) David wants to know who the best QT panellist is. Mis-spells David Starkey as Sharkey.

11:22: (BBBC L/b) David also likes Dan Hannan and Melanie Phillips.

11:25: (BBBC L/b) David is displeased by a speaker: Socialist.

11:25: (BBBC L/b) David dislikes bitter Marxists.

11:25: (BBBC L/b) Need David be worried about his own accent, he asks.

11:26: (BBBC L/b) David congratulates someone who suggests a female speaker would have been burnt as a witch 400 years ago: good one!

11:27: (BBBC L/b) Vince Cable is uglier than someone else.

11:27: (BBBC L/b) David wants to know Kirstie's age.

11:28: (BBBC L/b) David wants to congratulate the Swiss on banning minarets. Ban Islam, Simple.

11:28: (BBBC L/b) David doesn't rate someone who opposes the Swiss decision: dhimmi

11:29: (BBBC L/b) David calls someone a fascist.

11:30: (BBBC L/b) David: Islam is entirely incompatible with our democracy. There is a lot to be said for demolishing Mosques, banning burqas, and outlawing Islam.

11:31: (BBBC L/b) Another thing David likes about Switzerland: The Swiss also carry LOTS of weapons. Top people.

11:32: (BBBC L/b) These liberals HATE the idea of the British people speaking..

11:32: (BBBC L/b) More good news about the land of cuckoo clocks: They have the highest number of machine guns in Europe, says David.

11:33: (BBBC L/b) David is surprised by a brown-skinned speaker: Sensible Muslim guy….

11:34: (BBBC L/b) More Swiss perks from David: Chocolate better over there.

11:34: (BBBC L/b) David would like capital punishment.

11:34: (BBBC L/b) David still enamoured of Kirstie: Again, she is very good.

11:35: (BBBC L/b) David worked in Slough once: grim place>

11:36: (BBBC L/b) (Posters swap drinking/urinating stories) David thinks one of them scored a hole in one with his antics.

11:37: (BBBC L/b) David disappointed that QT has not covered Climategate.

11:37: (BBBC L/b) Bad news for the Shadow Health Secretary from David: LANSLEY is awful.

11:38: (BBBC L/b) David has pity for Ms Beckett: poor ancient hag.

11:40: (BBBC L/b) David not impressed by next week's QT line-up: OH GAWD.

11:40: (BBBC L/b) Still, next week could be a laugh.

11:41: (BBBC L/b) David signs off from the Liveblog.

11:46: (ATW) David congratulates someone for being married for 28 years.


  1. Did I get that right? He thinks someone else is a broken record? Does David Vance ever shut up?

  2. What is the point of setting yourself up as a pundit if you haven't got time to fart between one pronouncement and the next? Why should anyone take a single thing that you write seriously?

  3. Her name is Hilary the hilarious.

  4. One can only marvel at all that spare time you have to trawl a day in the life of David Vance!
    Have you seen the film "The Lives of Others"-surely you would not have approved of the Stasi snooping so assiduously as this would you?...the Guardian loved it so surely you did too!
    By all means take some of the points on that are worth the trouble to us all but come on!...does he worry you more than Mandelson or Al Aynsley Green for example? Sadly he probably does...which ought to worry the rest of us!

  5. When is Vance going to have time to write his magnum opus - Biased BBC The Book?

    Having told us he was taking a break from blogging to finish it, we are all waiting in anticipation...

  6. I think this shameful log of Vance's day of angry keyboard tapping proves that the green ink brigade really are a bunch of unemployed tossers who exist purely to whinge about shit online.

  7. You left out his twitters.

  8. @chrish

    The Children's Commissioner worries you? Why? Is he restricting your access to children?

  9. No he`s not!Just that he has obviously groomed an anonymous wasp like yourself into thinking as you do.Is "thinking" the word they use in your sessions these days or are you claiming "vulnerable victim status"?...still better you`re trackable on your computer at that time of night than out on the streets(don`t trust those curfew tags!)

  10. Chrish, "thinking" certainly isn't a word anyone could use to describe what goes on in the collective head of B-BBC

  11. True at times Dave-indeed you at OBME are right to point out some nasty and foolish stuff at bBBC.
    But in their anger at the inconsistencies( Copenhagen followed by the good news that Silverstone will get its F1 back-what good is THAT to carbon emissions?) and the patronising arrogance(as well as salaries!) cBBC surely have a point or three.
    Guess much of it is reflex rage_ I for one respect the best of the BBC and then I hear about their World Service Poll and could get pretty angry-luckily they have the great "More or Less" coming back again so here`s hoping!