Look On The Bright Side. You'll Be Able To Sing Higher

While inadequate Home Secretaries fail us year after year, Biased BBC has all the answers. David Vance, a no-nonsense Ulsterman distressed at UK knife crime, promises results.


He writes: "There are plenty of us who believe that knife crime COULD be dealt with much more vigorously if there was the will."

This is thrilling! How might we solve it?

Over to:

Martin: "knife crime could be wiped out by having mandatory castration for young males caught with a knife or using a knife."

Gulp! Any more?

Heads On Poles: "Simple - national service, 18 months of being made a responsible person where there is always somebody bigger and nastier than them."

Yes, thuggish, irrational violence. That would put them off, um, thuggish irrational violence. For real.

Whose heads are on the poles, by the way?

Oh, look, here's Martin again. Bit over the top last time, perhaps?

"We use chemical castration for some sex offenders but physical castration would be the biggest deterrent of all. We castrate aggressive dogs, why not aggressive violent males?"

Knives, not chemicals, then. You don't think that this interest in castration is somehow linked to your obsessive interest in the activities of gay men? But there's more:

"If you want to go down the prison route then we need long sentences (I'm talking 15-20 years for carrying a knife) without parole and a hard prison regime."

Certainly an excellent way of cutting public spending. Which we're all in favour of.

Look, here's Atlas Shrugged: "A perfect answer to the problem of illegal parking would be to make the crime punishable by a death sentence or life imprisonment."

Jeez! How long have you spent in Saudia Arabia?

"However I hope no one would seriously hope for this solution to be enacted."

Phew! Anything else?

"there is method, and secret agendas, in the establishments madness, as there always is.

"This involves the usual state intimidation, and the removal of any ability for the ordinary citizen to defend themselves, their loved ones, or their property."

Never mind, Atlas. They may take away your machine-guns.

But they'll leave you the turrets...