The Screwdrivers: Castration for Possession Act, 2009

Biased BBC has been rising to the task of framing new laws to show those Labour softies how to deal with knife crime.

Prolific poster Martin is enthusiastic about castrating knife-carriers, and is not at all fazed by doubts that this would upset carpet-fitters, chefs and countryfolk.

But he's not stopping at daggers alone. Oh no...

Martin writes: Firstly you don't have to carry a knife to stab someone, a screwdriver is just as effective.

Thanks for the tip. But would possession of a screwdriver qualify for castration, then? Perhaps chemical, rather than, eek, physical?

A teensy problem with your law-making on this point might be that, along with all the carpet-fitters, huntsmen and chefs you'll be neutering, you can add engineers, joiners, electricians and an awful lot of DIY enthusiasts. Is part of your intention to reduce the population at the same time?

I don't see many black kids in Hackney needing to carry a knife to cut bailer twine or gut Rabbits, but then again in Hackney who knows?

Who indeed! Presumably you'll be amending your law to allow castration only in Hackney and similar places, thus sparing country sports enthusiasts.

But - hang on a minute - might not the gangsta classes move into those pleasant postcodes currently enjoyed by bailer-cutters and rabbit-gutters? Then what?

So 14 year old black kids are going to move into the Countryside just so they can carry a knife and get away with it?

Not if we can help it!

Would you build some kind of passport system into your knife-crime-castration legislation? Otherwise how do we keep the occasional stabber from drifting into Surrey or The Wirral? It only needs one...

Perhaps some sort of wall around Hackney, Norris Green and similar hang-outs, with uniformed people on the gates making sure that the lenient non-castration regime in leafier districts is not abused?

A bit worried, too, that 14 year old black kids covers all risks to law-abiding types like us. Would we need to extend the age range a bit, perhaps penning all young black males in castration zones?

Do you do drugs as well as rent boys by chance?

Fair point, and the perfect response to my misguided claim elsewhere that you are obsessed by gay men and their activities. You clearly are not.

can you suggest a better way of dealing with scum?

Detergent usually works fine.

Meanwhile, on legal matters, it's usually the detail that lets you down. As I think you are discovering...

As for prisons, trust me the sort of prison I have in mind is very cheap. They grow their own food or starve and they work to pay for their accomodation.

Like the horticulture. Very much.

You don't think starving prisoners to death, though, might lead us into some unfortunate comparisons?

Just asking....