Friday, 27 November 2009

A C**t Like A Stamped Bat

This blog defers to almost no man in its admiration for the steely writings of the doom-mongering fanatic eminent commentator Melanie Phillips. She may be the only media heavyweight still willing to believe the measles autism scare, the most enthusiastic prophet of an Islamic apocalypse and the person most likely to call you an anti-semite for doubting Israel's perfection. But she's our favourite head girl.

Ahead in the queue of admirers, though, is Biased BBC, which regularly compares her trenchant views on Muslim nastiness with The BBC's Taliban-adoration. And so B-BBC's Liveblog celebrated her appearance on yesterday's Question Time with unconfined joy, and typical literary panache.

Steve: Shame Melanie looks like a lesbian school teacher

Beware of Geeks: I don't have a problem with lesbians. In fact, I have all their videos


regor: never mind the looks admire the intellectual rigor

Julio: she's better looking than that scotch minger

Quite. And here is the distinguished Libertarian blogger Old Holborn to cap things off. What do you make of her, good sir?

Old Holborn: Melanie has a cunt like a stamped bat

Indeed, sirrah. And what other views did you form of this lively topical programme?

On Lord Falconer: KILL HIM

To the Conservative panellist the Rt Hon David Davis: Go on, have the cunt

In disappointment at Mr Davis's reserve: DD is a wanker.

To a member of the audience: Bukake faced tosspot

And another: Tory poof

To the Scottish Health Secretary, Ms Nicola Sturgeon: she has arse hair

To another member of the public: labour poof

Urging an audience rebellion against Labour: You WHIMPS. Storm the stage and WICKERMAN time

An American speaker: FUCK. OFF. YANK

Someone with whom Mr Holborn disagrees: FUCK OFF CUNT

Milord Falconer again: You fat, ugly CUNT. YOU are the obstacle to the third world becoming wealthier

To a winsome young woman: FIT

Is it any wonder that Mr Holborn's regular epistles have earned him the soubriquet of 9th Top Political Blog in the United Kingdom? Hurrah for eloquence!

His scintillating wit and repartee have many disciples on the Biased BBC Liveblog. Here is some witty banter between two of the eager young pups:

Headsonpoles: we need to see some tits here

Norton Folgate: no tits but a talking cunt

None of this would reach its dizzying heights of articulacy without the ring-master of readin' and writin' himself, the glorious David Vance. Here he is, introducing a particular favourite of Biased BBC readers, the humourist Marcus Brigstocke.

Brigstocke needs strung up even before the show starts,


as a joke, of course.

But of course! Ha Ha!

Julio: yes, hang Brigstock

Beardy-Bill: kill him!!!!

It is unnecessary perhaps, but let us indulge ourselves in savouring Mr Vance's earnest commendation of his website to gentler readers:

Biased BBC is and shall remain a place for civilised debate and attempts to suggest otherwise are pathetic.

Oh yes indeed.


  1. Did B-BBC make that list of top political blogs? Surely it must have.

  2. Must be some kind of therapy for middle-aged misanthropes, pouring out meat-headed abuse, even at your own heroes. God Knows what La Phillips might make of it. She's never looked much like a woman who'd enjoy a foul-mouthed session with a load of whisky-swilling Mondeo men. But who knows?

  3. That bloke on Speak Your Brains was right when he said that Biased BBC inhabits a world of people who want to be seen as Tourettes-suffering golf-club bores, even to the detriment of poster-girls like Melanie Phillips. How should we best help them?

  4. That fact about the OH blog is the single most depresing thing I have read on the internet since Wednesday.

  5. I love your blog, Old Holborn.

    I especially love the way you link to your own blog and the Daily Mail as proof stuff is happening.

    If you ever wanted evidence that the blogosphere has generally become occupied by a bunch of disenfranchised unemployed timewasters, then people really need look no further than your piece of shit blog, which is just really crying out for someone to call the wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmbulance. Nothing's going my way! I'll write a blog!

    Although, OMTE, it's not really fair to stick that Wikio list up there and call him one of the top political bloggers - after all, any cunt can linkspam his way to the top if his posts invariably include links to his own. And oh, look - any cunt has.

    His textwank doesn't make it into the top 500 from Iain Dale, so that translates to just another impotent blogosphere wankbag who'll be just as disappointed with reality when the Tories win.

  6. His textwank doesn't make it into the top 500 from Iain Dale, so that translates to just another impotent blogosphere wankbag who'll be just as disappointed with reality when the Tories win.

    Erm...Number 16 Political Blog in the UK, Number 3 Libertarian and 11 Right of Centre according to Dale.

    Your blog's going well though. Cuntbubble

  7. I'm sorry, I was looking at the wrong list. Quick! I've called you that waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhmbulance! Lie down so you can get CPR from David Vance while Melanie Phillips works the lower end!

    Good to see you're up there with literary giants like Dizzy, Daniel Hannan, Tory Bear, Shit Staines, John Redwood and Iain Dale himself.

    I mean, there's nothing in that list to suggest that the blogosphere is majority share unemployed, feckless, or disenfranchised Tories waiting for their turn in power, is there?

    I love the blogosphere. It's full of rank little anal polyps like yourself, thinking they're Victor Lewis-Smith for the 21st century and failing to realise you don't have any kind of talent except managing to be on the internet all the time doing nothing productive except provide damp fart commentary and Daily Mail style truth-seeking to similarly retarded sock-wankers.

    How much money did you make from your blog today? Was it more than from your euphemistically - and may I say hopefully - titled work "consulting"? How many hours today did you spend consulting with Phil and Fern or Mr. Kenwood Kettle? Did Mr. PG Tips move up his deadline a few minutes? Oh, no! You better get on that right away! Two sugars, please. And keep your schedule clear for Monday morning - remember, you have to sign on that day.

  8. Let me add a point here, seeing as something resembling a serious debate about blogging is taking place.....

    Blogs can be a force for good. They remove the corporate side of things, and the viewing-figure obsession type problems - ie. it doesn't matter what I print, as long as it sells. Also, in theory, they are not restricted by the middle of the road banality which blights many newspapers these days. Politics has become a bland consensus in recent years, and so has much of the mainstream press. Therefore, the blogs filled a vacuum.

    The problem however, judging by the likes of Old Holborn, Guido Fawkes, Biased BBC etc, is that blogs are actually unaccountable rants which peddle a mixture of misinformation (unknowingly spreading lies or myths) and disinformation (knowingly spreading that stuff). Use B-BBC as an example; it could be a decent critique of the BBC which is a bloated, establishment and politically correct body. Instead, B-BBC is a load of rants about a variety of issues with mostly tenuous links to the BBC. It's run by people with pretty far out views, and it's most popular contributors are the loud mouthed types who get angry when they see the news. Biased BBC is typical of a blog which is taken seriously in the blogging world, and no doubt at some point by the mainstream media, but actually has no substance, no journalistic standards, and is really 100% opinion (odd opinion at that) dressed up to look smart and factual.

    The Guardian, The Mail, BBC News etc may be far from perfect, but they are staffed by professionals. Who proof read. Who research. Who are educated. Who abide by basic rules on decency when it comes to language. Blogs rarely do. Certainly not the ones I've mentioned above.

    To be really blunt; blogs allow any idiot with an opionion, lord knows there are plenty about, to publish it, dress it up as a serious story, and then get it taken seriously by others.

    Anonymous above said that 'If you ever wanted evidence that the blogosphere has generally become occupied by a bunch of disenfranchised unemployed timewasters...'. I wouldn't use those exact words, but that sums it up quite nicely - in blogosphere language, ironically.