Piggy-Back: The New Martial Art (For Use On Muslims)

The growing threat of the Muslim menace isn't just fodder for the Biased BBC diaspora to air their prejudices insights. Oh no.

David Vance's indispensable Irish blog is now offering essential advice to those in fear of necklace-nicking no-goods of the Koranic persuasion. Thank The Lord for Grizzly Mama, the blog-world's answer to Harry Enfield's Self-Righteous Brothers.

A moslem man ripped a crucifix from a customer's neck, starts screaming and yelling about how great his god is, rants and raves anti Christian junk. I'm trying to imagine what I would do if someone did this to me

Chances are very high. No, really.

I think that I would be totally shocked, and would probably stand there with my mouth hanging open in disbelief.

Close it very quick. He might grab your fillings, too.

What do you think that you would do?

Channel Mr Enfield: Oi! Islamic! Noooo!

Let's make a pact: Let's determine our course of action for future reference - just in case.

We could call it Neighbourhood Tosh.

Sort of like a fire drill,

Only much more serious.

or having your plan ready for if someone tries to knock your front door down while you're watching the late show.

How busy is your life exactly?

I know what I would do in the fire drill and attempted break-in. We have put things in place, and thought about it, and in the case of fire drills - have even practiced it.

How about a Late Show drill? You can never be too careful.

If a moslem were to rip my crucifix off of my neck and start screaming at me - or if I witnessed such an action happening to another, I have determined to act.

Just be yourself. Acting's hard to keep up unless you've been to RADA.

Without a plan, and depending on the time of day and how I'm feeling at the moment, I would normally: 1) Scream and freak out - possibly attempt to physically restrain the object of my ire, or 2) start crying and run.

Have you thought of combining all of the above?

With my newly found determination, I have decided that, no matter how frightened I may be, I will confront the aggressor verbally and loudly.

If that Islamic showed up round my house, I'd say: Oi! Mohammedan! Noooo!

If the aggressor is physically threatening, I will jump on his/her back

Good move. But how, exactly?

(piggy back style)

You're a pro. He won't be expecting that.

and cover their eyes with my forearms and hang on for dear life

Have you considered packing stirrups? Just in case.

all the while screaming at the top of my lungs.

Let it rip. It's the only high-decibel language they understand.

Are you with me??

Try and keep me away!