The Women Who Stare At The Men Who Stare At Goats

Men! Ever wondered why you are so unlucky with the opposite sex?

Biased BBC's Problem Page Boy Martin has once again cracked the secret of romantic happiness: Look after some cloven-hoofed creatures in Pakistan. And fake a low IQ.

Much romance follows. Apparently:

August 27th: Anyone else notice on the Beeboid 6PM news that boys were absent in any of the shots of "happy students" passing their GCSE's?

The beeboids did manage to give us a lingering shot of some Muslim females of course. Wow all those qualifications just to be married off to an inbred retard of a Goat herder in Pakistan.

August 28th: Why would the BBC bother to point out the growing Muslim problem? Beeboids love Muslims, especially the mad ones with the big bushy beards. And don't forget Islam according to the BBC is liberating for women.

More 14 year old girls to be sent off to Pakistan to be raped and married off to some thick Goat Herder.

October 26th: I wonder how many 14 year old Muslim girls are sent off to Pakistan each year to be raped and married to an inbred goat herder? Shami (Chakrabarti) never seems to be bothered about that.

November 30th: why doesn't the BBC bother to tell us about the 14 year old Muslim girls sent from shitholes like Bradford to be raped and married to thick inbred Goat herders in Pakistan?

Any thoughts on relations between Islam and the rest of us while you're on, Martin?

November 11th: WE are the tolerant ones, the bushy bearded idiots are not.

Quite so.

We Are All Doomed. Again.

Just because the weather is particularly depressing doesn't mean that Biased BBC need hold off on its mission to drive us all to the Dignitas clinic, appalled at the sheer awfulness of modern life.

The bias-hunters are in full calamity mode today at the news that the BBC has employed an agency which helps companies communicate sustainable policies.

This is clearly proof of a global conspiracy of leftie eco-freaks aiming for world domination (though quite why O2, Shell, British Telecom and, ahem, Sky - who are also clients of the agency - should be part of this plot is not yet clear).

Anyway, long-time bias-hunter Marky, whose hallmark is a cheery, 1984-inspired logo, has the best take on the story:

the three main parties have for many years been leading Britain towards slavery

Man is born free but everywhere he is in chain stores.

and despotism.

Agreed. Don't know if I can take another 6 months of Brown's despotism before we, um, get a chance to kick him out.

Their goal is plain to see if you have the heart to look into darkness.

That's why they want us all to wear reflective jackets at night: So they can see us coming from their darkened lairs. Damn you, traffic information films...

The elite want the people to be completely subservient to the state

I asked permission before I wrote this. As did you, Marky, I am sure.

and they've done well.

We are all Cybermen. Without the shiny suits.

I believe we haven't got long now and have not much hope that the future will be a wondrous place.

Don't be so negative. Your encyclopaedic knowledge of 1984 should stand you in good stead for a job at the Ministry, Comrade.

You Get The Cattle Trucks. I'll Get A Bullwhip.

A bracing view of what politics could be has just surfaced on that oasis of common sense, David Vance's Irish blog. Staunch contributor Pete Moore offers a few simple ideas to straighten out the visa system for Pakistani students entering Britain.

Brown was droning on just a couple of weeks ago about how Afghanistan/Pakistan is the source of terror threats in this country,

Good idea for a new campaign: Speech lessons for the PM. Wonder if Rik Mayall is free?

therefore are soldiers must stay in Afghanistan.

Are soldiers? Few quid spent on literacy might not go amiss, either.

So of course thousands of locals are still pouring into the UK - well done, New Labour voters.

Don't mention it.

The case for a complete halt to all immigration, without exceptions, from either country, is impeccable

Whoever thought it was a good idea to put the brightest young Pakistanis through the education system of a liberal democracy? Much better for the war on extremism if they're educated in a strict Muslim universe.

along with a programme of mass deportations.

If you say so. Though there are an awful lot to shift. What we need is a Heydrich, or at least an Eichmann. Do you fancy it?

The case for voting for any party which will not do this simply does not exist.

The case for investing in companies making electric prods, cattle trucks and razor wire sounds very strong indeed. Win-win all round, Pete.

A C**t Like A Stamped Bat

This blog defers to almost no man in its admiration for the steely writings of the doom-mongering fanatic eminent commentator Melanie Phillips. She may be the only media heavyweight still willing to believe the measles autism scare, the most enthusiastic prophet of an Islamic apocalypse and the person most likely to call you an anti-semite for doubting Israel's perfection. But she's our favourite head girl.

Ahead in the queue of admirers, though, is Biased BBC, which regularly compares her trenchant views on Muslim nastiness with The BBC's Taliban-adoration. And so B-BBC's Liveblog celebrated her appearance on yesterday's Question Time with unconfined joy, and typical literary panache.

Steve: Shame Melanie looks like a lesbian school teacher

Beware of Geeks: I don't have a problem with lesbians. In fact, I have all their videos

Saul: SHE'S LIKE AN OLD HARRY POTTER

regor: never mind the looks admire the intellectual rigor

Julio: she's better looking than that scotch minger

Quite. And here is the distinguished Libertarian blogger Old Holborn to cap things off. What do you make of her, good sir?

Old Holborn: Melanie has a cunt like a stamped bat

Indeed, sirrah. And what other views did you form of this lively topical programme?

On Lord Falconer: KILL HIM

To the Conservative panellist the Rt Hon David Davis: Go on, have the cunt

In disappointment at Mr Davis's reserve: DD is a wanker.

To a member of the audience: Bukake faced tosspot

And another: Tory poof

To the Scottish Health Secretary, Ms Nicola Sturgeon: she has arse hair

To another member of the public: labour poof

Urging an audience rebellion against Labour: You WHIMPS. Storm the stage and WICKERMAN time

An American speaker: FUCK. OFF. YANK

Someone with whom Mr Holborn disagrees: FUCK OFF CUNT

Milord Falconer again: You fat, ugly CUNT. YOU are the obstacle to the third world becoming wealthier

To a winsome young woman: FIT

Is it any wonder that Mr Holborn's regular epistles have earned him the soubriquet of 9th Top Political Blog in the United Kingdom? Hurrah for eloquence!

His scintillating wit and repartee have many disciples on the Biased BBC Liveblog. Here is some witty banter between two of the eager young pups:

Headsonpoles: we need to see some tits here

Norton Folgate: no tits but a talking cunt

None of this would reach its dizzying heights of articulacy without the ring-master of readin' and writin' himself, the glorious David Vance. Here he is, introducing a particular favourite of Biased BBC readers, the humourist Marcus Brigstocke.

Brigstocke needs strung up even before the show starts,

Lawks!

as a joke, of course.

But of course! Ha Ha!

Julio: yes, hang Brigstock

Beardy-Bill: kill him!!!!

It is unnecessary perhaps, but let us indulge ourselves in savouring Mr Vance's earnest commendation of his website to gentler readers:

Biased BBC is and shall remain a place for civilised debate and attempts to suggest otherwise are pathetic.

Oh yes indeed.

Climate Camp Camp

The problem with relying on technology is that when it goes wrong, we're often led in the wrong direction, like sat-nav users ploughing into unexpected rivers.

Today's case study looks at Martin, the poet laureate of the highly-respected Biased BBC website. Martin seems to have purchased an early Gaydar module, which is now misfiring.

Misfiring rather badly:

God the same camp beeboid on News 24

(why do all male beeboids act so camp on TV?)

just talked about "Obamary"

which is some crap about climate change.

Highly excited Obama loving male beeboids then

started to tell "us" all about CO2 levels

and about ALL the climate change experts.

He's soundind VERY excited.

Some experts doubt whether Martin is at all troubled by this malfunction, pointing out that he seems pleased to find rampant homosexuality on open display even during serious news bulletins. What does Martin himself think?

I feel like throwing up

Money. And Power. Money. And Power. Money. And Power. Money. And Power. Money. And Power. Money. And Power.

Biased BBC soothsayer Cassandra King doesn't just predict terrible futures for us all, oh no. She also has an uncanny insight into human nature. Uncanny, if repetitive.

In the end its all about £££$$ and power, £££$$ rules the day and power gives them the freedom to make more $

A dim view of human nature, but sadly sometimes true.

In the end its all about £££$$$ and power, £££$$$ rules the day and power gives them the freedom to make more $$$£££.

Didn't you just say that? Only with fewer $$$£££?

Dress the primal urge in any way you like but in the end the people with money want power and the people with the power want money, money and power,

Money. And Power. Yes.

the one follows the other.

Like Clouseau and a red herring.

The basic urge to control, the base desires to rule and control are linked to $$$£££.

Is this a complaint against capitalism?

Humanity is driven by a handful of urges some good and some bad,

We're moving on. At Last.

at the moment the bad urges have gained the upper hand?

Lust? Fear? Coveting your neighbour's ox?

pound;££.

Am feeling a bit weak. But I do have the point. Money. And Power.

Dress the primal urge in any way you like but in the end the people with money want power and the people with the power want money, money and power, the one follows the other.

Losing. The Will. To Live.

The basic urge to control, the base desires to rule and control are linked to $In the end its all about £££$$$ and power,

Aaaaaaaagggghhhh!

£££$$$ rules the day and power gives them the freedom to make more $$$£££.

Wait: Is this the blogging equivalent of waterboarding?

Dress the primal urge in any way you like but in the end the people with money want power and the people with the power want money,

Stop. Please stop. I admit whatever crime you accuse me of.

money and power, the one follows the other.

Pass me the statement. I'll sign.

The basic urge to control, the base desires to rule and control are linked to $$$£££.

Blank sheet of paper. I don't care.

Humanity is driven by a handful of urges some good and some bad, at the moment the bad urges have gained the upper hand?pound;££.

In my own blood if necessary.

Humanity is driven by a handful of urges some good and some bad, at the moment the bad urges have gained the upper hand?

(Sob)

Three minutes later:

Oooops! That post came out repeated in a very strange way, I dont know how that happened, must be a gremlin in the machine?

Gremlin. Yes.

Let's Bargin Our Souls To The Beast

Any doubts about the suitability of David Vance to lead the crusade against The BBC must surely be swept aside by studying the geniuses he enlists as partners on his Irish blog, A Tangled Web.

Most intriguing of all is the American husband and wife team called Grizzly Mama/Troll. Not content with calling for a redneck insurrection against Obama, these fine people - that's Mr Troll on the left - are now offering to do a deal with Satan. Or so they say.

I was born in Philadelphia a few blocks from where the Constitution was written, and signed.

They'd have been thinking about you when they drew it up. For sure.

Since I was born here I am an American citizen with rights granted by God and certified by that document.

That's the way God planned it. And don't let any other God-fearing imbecile - especially them thar Islamics - tell you that the Almighty had different plans.

I am no better or less than any other American, be they born here, or achieve legal citizenship. It does however make me by birth a better man than one born in any foreign land.

As a mere Briton, I tug my forelock and bow before you, superior one. Plus I offer grovelling thanks for your writing all this on a British blog.

Every rule of our society is about to be discarded and made a mockery of by the Marxists and Maoists that are running our Nation.

Can't God put a stop to that?

To put KSM and his fellow conspirators into an American Criminal court is a direct violation of everything that this nation was founded on.

Open justice. That kind of thing.

They are illegal combatants captured on the battlefield, and should therefore have been shot long ago.

Is that everything that the United States was founded on?

Instead Obama violates the sacred basis of our laws.

By not choosing summary execution.

If tried in criminal court they must be set free.

If you say so, superior one.

The case should be dismissed by the Judge the first day, and the admitted plotter of 9/11 should walk away a freeman. No Miranda Rights, admitted to being tortured by the President himself, and repeated Jury Tampering by both Holder and Obama by repeatedly saying he is guilty and will get the death penalty. In other words by our Criminal Laws they walk.

A convincing case. Amnesty International will be impressed.

If any other path takes place the U.S. is in a state of Anarchy.

Can a path take place? Anyway, what's with the Anarchy?

The Principals of Law and Order apply to ALL that enter our system a system designed to allow 1000 guilty to go free before the conviction of one innocent.

You sure that 1000 guilty go free for every innocent convicted? Have you ever visited Texas?

the Obama administration is acting under the power of dictatorial tyranny. Making his own laws as he sees fit.

Which is why he's made such heavy weather of getting a decent health system past Congress. All that dictatorial tyranny he's been up to: Quite terrifying.

I want to thank the President for placing me in hell.

Philadelphia's not that bad. Or is it?

I must wish for the freedom of my enemy, or admit the loss of my country.

I bow to the wisdom of a superior being, obviously. But is it not possible to wish for the conviction of the guilty, and remain a sovereign democracy?

While I am here I think I will bargin my soul to the beast

Stay clear of Simon Cowell. I beg you.

I will bargin my soul to the beast for him to add a tenth ring of hell just for the day after Obama's judgement before God.

I suspect The Pres has already visited Las Vegas. But give it a try.

A Christmas Cavil

Barely a month to Christmas, and already the traditional stories are being brought down from their shelves and given an airing. Here's an updated version of that seasonal classic, Scrooge, as told by Biased BBC's David Vance:

Here's how I like to do my charitable givings - privately and in my own way.

Glad to hear it, Mr Generosity.

I seek nothing back and see it as my duty.

Why would anyone seek anything back?

Yesterday in the UK saw the annual BBC driven "Children in Need" charity event.

£20 million for charity. Sunshine in the rainy season, without a doubt.

I can't stand it.

Never mind. You so enjoy the rest of the BBC output.

The laudable aims of providing money for disadvantaged children are, to my mind, compromised by media stars prancing around, in primetime, exercising their already bloated egos.

Damn these egotists. Unlike this retiring chap, whose desire to be seen, despite a lack of presentational skills, camera technique or even a coherent script, mysteriously surfaced on the web.

The BBC newsreader girls are an example of this. It's not that I have on objection to the likes of Fiona Bruce shaking her booty, but I just think it cheapens the charitable process.

A sense of fun sometimes does. Fun bad.

I also got caught up in a very extensive traffic jam in Belfast yesterday.

Sorry to hear it. But need we care?

I presumed the cause was an accident but when I eventually reached the junction it turned out to be "Children in Need" folks dressed up in wacky costumes trying to get every driver to contribute to their buckets.

All in a good cause then...

I didn't and resent the emotional blackmail.

But you're dealing with it. Selflessly. With a good, public whinge.

How do you feel about these kind of in-your-face charity events?

Personally, I'd have fewer boy-bands, soap stars and chatty personalities, but I'm not sure my preference - someone torturing an electric guitar - would raise quite so much.

I believe it behoves us all to give to charitable causes but I am very uncomfortable with the forced style of media driven glitzy charity.

And absolutely not uncomfortable with the fact that it's a feel-good event which reflects well on the BBC?

God Bless Us, Every One.

Breathe. Please.

What gives rise to the conviction some people harbour that they can predict the future? In the case of Biased BBC's resident soothsayer Cassandra King, oxygen starvation might play a part. Doctors are concerned that she can go whole minutes without breathing as she pounds out her bile heartfelt concerns.

Take this complaint about a BBC report on a new documentary, Videocracy, which criticises Italy's dearly beloved Silvio Berlusconi:

The BBC forgets to mention that Gandini is a hard left socialist, funny that they forget to mention that the attack/smear film could simply be a vehicle to smear a political enemy UNLESS of course the BBC knew full that the film was a smear attack because the BBC have been engaged in a long term concerted smear campaign since the Italian elections that elected Berlesconi, you will remember how broken hearted the BBC were when the socialists were destroyed at the polls, you will recall how the BBC launched the most partisan coverage helping the socialists as much as possible.

That's 101 words without a pause; enough - according to OBME's crack team of breathing-related science-type experts - to induce a critical low-oxygen state sufficient to cause intense hallucinations.

Could also explain why she failed to notice the BBC reporter pointing out that the film was a personal view, far from neutral and that its critics had complained that it lacked rigour.

But probably not.

Chubby Lezzers Are Sometimes Right

Who can forget David Vance's proud statement of intent for the magnificent bias-hunting machine that is Biased BBC?

Biased BBC is and shall remain a place for civilised debate and attempts to suggest otherwise are pathetic.

So well put. Which is why it's such a delight to journey alongside the moral giants at B-BBC as they liveblog Question Time and demonstrate the timeless hallmarks of civilised debate.

Guest of honour last night was the celebrated Libertarian blogger Old Holborn. Read and learn how the great and the good of the bias-hunting fraternity approach current events in a civilised, debating kind of way. Over to Old Holborn:

First a greeting: Everning cunts

Then our learned friend responds to the following questions from other eminent livebloggers. (A gentleman of darker hue has appeared on the screen): Taliban? Muzzie?

Mr Holborn gives us the benefit of his wisdom: Nah, sIkh. Turban = friend

Phew!

Alas! Another gentleman of Asiatic countenance has appeared: Loon Paki

Mr Holborn has been ruminating on the future of the Labour MP Mr Phil Woolas: Send Woolas to a gay prison

Now Mr Holborn reveals his insight into the nature of the studio audience: Full of coons and wallahs

On the distinguished Liberal Parliamentarian, Sir Menzies Campbell: I really really want to kill him

And now the former Labour Minister Miss Clare Short: Shut the fuck up. you chubby lezzer

Stay the horses! Miss Short has made a criticism of her former confederates in New Labour: Calre Short is very, very ugly. But she is RIGHT

A debate ensues during which Biased BBC alumni choose which parts of the United Kingdom they would most enjoy bombing. Mr Holborn's home county is, disturbingly, threatened: Oi CUNT! I'm in Essex! (Well, South Suffolk)

Now a winsome young lady attracts the cameraman's interest: TOTTY

Alas, pulchritude is set aside for another intervention from the right hon Phil Woolas MP: I want to stab Woolas

Let us hope that the sage contribution of a Conservative front-bencher will temper the savage beast of Mr Holborn's criticism!

What dismay: Chris Grayling is a septic oyster

Perhaps if the young ladies and gentlemen of our kingdom were less interested in "rock bands" and "alco-pops", they could learn from Mr Holborn the art of conducting oneself with dignity in our "cyber-age". Alas, the frequent scenes of mayhem in our drinking establishments demonstrate that not enough of our younger generation follow Mr Holborn and Mr David Vance in maintaining...

a place for civilised debate

Is it too much to ask?