Tuesday, 29 September 2009

Woke Up. Got Out Of Bed. Blogged The First Thing In My Head.

It's a shame that David Vance did not get a chance to try his luck under the old Soviet system. Along with all the heroic coal-shovellers, tractor-assemblers and steel-shapers, he'd be standing proudly with the Order of Lenin (Unbelievable Feats Of Hard Physical Labour: Class 2) around his neck.

For a marketing man, an aspiring author and a self-satisfiedly non-liberal paterfamilias, Mr Vance still achieves a Stakhanovite work rate at the blog face, and manages to pay non-stop homage to Elvis Costello, all at the same time. Journey with us on the dizzying ride through one day of Mr Vance's output on Biased BBC and his Irish orifice A Tangled Web:

08:09: (ATW) David starts his blogging day by congratulating a poster who gives the right answer to a pop music conundrum. Elvis Costello, apparently.

08:10: (ATW) David's all for banking's bonus system - the heart of capitalism - and can't stand the Government's attacks on it. Shares this with us.

08:25: (ATW) Gadaffi, Chavez, Mugabe and Zuma get together in Venezuela. David doesn't like the cut of their jib. Shares with us.

08:42: (ATW) Something about Iranian missiles. Obama well dodgy. Shares with us.

08:47: (ATW) Doesn't want public sector employees to enjoy such good pensions. Shares with us.

09:14: (BBBC) The Met Office indulges in lurid eco-fantasy, he offers in that unbiased way of his. Apparently, so does the BBC. Elvis Costello provides the title, for the second time in 24 hours: Waiting For The End Of The World.

09:27: (BBBC) Doesn't like a couple of BBC interviews about Iran. Shares with us.

10:19: (ATW) David is very concerned about young Americans who are unemployed. Shares with us.

12:30: (BBBC) Silently removes posting from Scott M disagreeing with the Vance line on the Met Office.

12:31: (BBBC) Somewhat confusingly posts reply to Scott M anyway. Which now sits in eerie isolation.

12:58: (BBBC) Thanks someone for praising his new comments system. (Scott M's mistake - he didn't grovel)

13:16: (BBBC) Berates BBC for reporting Obama's support for the Chicago Olympic bid. BBC slobbering over the Pres. Shares this with us, though mistakenly accuses the BBC of burying a non-existent story.

13:28: (BBBC) Offers a personal e-mail IT support service to a poster confused about new comments system. Replies to question about missing Scott M posts by announcing that SM is a figment of someone elses imagination. Odd, because SM one of the few posters to make his full identity known, complete with photo.

14:35: (ATW) David fully understands a poster who points out that most public service pensions are nothing special. The problem apparently is with the bosses and with people in non-jobs.

15:12: (ATW) Why would Obama lie? Shares with us.

15:17: (BBBC) He didn't see yesterday's Andrew Marr interview but he is considering a thread on it.

15:19: (BBBC) Follows through….for once he supports the BBC, but only because Marr put pill-popping to the PM. Brown a basket-case. Shares with us.

19:19: (ATW) List of scary nuclear headlines and stuff about Iran. Apparently Obama shouldn't travel to Copenhagen until he's dealt with Iran first. Shares with us.

20:29: (ATW) David can't stand an agency called Invest NI. Shares with us.

20:39: (ATW) Even the BBC cannot save the Prime Mentalist apparently. Shares with us.

20:53: (ATW) Posts hilarious cartoon of Mr Burns from The Simpsons to illustrate the assumed incompetence of Obama's dealings with Iran.

21:29: (ATW) Posts hilarious cartoon of a leprechaun giving a two-fingered salute to the EU. Ireland should reject the Lisbon Treaty, but won't. Shares with us.

21:35: (ATW) His local MP has let him down by agreeing to govern with Sinn Fein after campaigning against doing so. Happened some time ago, but shares with us anyway because someone else has mentioned it.

21:46: (ATW) He dislikes the UN. And likes Israel. Illustrates with Swastika tastefully superimposed on UN logo. Shares with us.

21:56: (ATW) Posts hilarious video of Barry Manilow singing Mandy, to commemorate Lord Mandleson's conference speech.

22:03: (BBBC) BBC slobbering again, this time over, erm, Mandy. Shares with us.

22:10: (ATW) Would he stand again for Parliament? Quotes Costello: I'm A Man Out Of Time.

He's a Man Who Works Beyond Time:

22:10: (BBBC) Simultaneously starts off a new discussion thread, with a touch of Rorke's Drift: Take aim, and fire!

22:11: (ATW) Breathless now: Then again… should he stand for election? He could debate the incumbent in my sleep.

22:19: (ATW) He might invite various local politicos to contribute to his Irish blog at the next election. (Sinn Fein's invite might take a while.)

22:26: (ATW) More musical comedy….Perhaps It's Over should be Brown's theme song.

22:42: (BBBC) Still chortling about Manilow's Mandy. Enriches our evening by quoting the line about coming and giving, though Lord Mandy comes and gives without thinking, rather than taking. Hilarious, anyway.

Presumably the people who pay him to market their stuff rarely read blogs, and his family must be used by now to treasuring their fleeting moments in his furiously-typing company. But does he ever eat, rest, blow his nose and use the loo? And doesn't the constant soundtrack of post-punk Birkenhead angst wear everyone else out?

Perhaps more importantly: How on earth does he have the time to fully comprehend the many streams of BBC output well enough to comment sensibly upon them?

Or….is there more than one of him?


  1. You think his family "treasure" their fleeting moments in his company? Didn't you mean to write "dread"? As for your (presumably rhetorical) question about how he has the time to comment sensibly upon BBC output - clearly he hasn't.

  2. It can't be repeated enough: B-BBC is largely for very obvious agenda pushers and, more commonly, for people with too much time on their hands looking for a way to pass the time.

    Everyone can find their niche on the internet. If you spend your days wishing your lot would be better somehow if the BBC became Fox News, and the general populace immediately started supporting Israel, vilifying immigrants and muslims, and taking sniper shots at anyone to the left of John Redwood then B-BBC is your niche.

    I privately believe that David Vance's so-called marketing business is largely redundant. In the same way that "freelance" or "consultant" is often a euphemism for "out of work", so his business is highly unlikely to be generating much work.

    You'll note a gap in his schedule in the afternoon. My bet: it's when he picks his kids up from school and makes their tea. My other bet: for all his bluster about feminazis and war and scroungers, he's an out of work househusband.

  3. Well I see David had a break between 10.19am and 12.30pm, maybe to open his window and curse at god, or the Catholics, or the BBC even. Maybe he went to have a spot of lunch in front of the tele, but the BBC was on, and it drove him mad so he had to go out for a walk to shout to himself.

    There was also a long break between 3.19 and 7.19pm. Maybe David went for a drive around the streets of Belfast to reminicse about the good old days of violence and occupying troops - those halcyon days before peace broke out and Vance found himself on the wrong side of the debate.

    After 10.42pm he must have been thoroughly knackered after a busy day getting angry. Fingers bleeding from thumping the keyboard so hard.

  4. yup, big break between 10.19 and 12.30 - perhaps some work/chores/food, and then between 3ish and after 7pm - no doubt that's family time, and then back on the net

    at least we can assume he's not completely alone in that house

  5. When will Vance have time to write that magnum opus that he keeps promising his readers - Biased-BBC The Book ?

    The All-Seeing Eye and the Grumpy Old Twat won't be much use here since they can hardly string a sentence together between them.

    I'm sure he must have an assistant lurking around somewhere.

  6. Can you imagine how bad his book will be? The website is a fact free zone - its pure opinion. The book will be a disaster; it will be one long rant with a list of examples of bias.

  7. Ah yes, the book.

    Perhaps it might be a bigger success than Lord Vance's previous masterpiece, "Unionism Decayed" - a book so riveting and well written that the only publisher who would touch it was AuthorHouse.

    AuthorHouse, I hear you say?

    AuthorHouse - because self publishing is now faster and more affordable.

    A book so interesting that he had to pay to get it written. Vanity publishing, we used to call it back in the day. Vancity publishing.

  8. Yorrick - the best selling books are pure drivel

    lots of ranting and screaming will go down very well, facts are irrelevant

  9. One of Lord Vance's gimps groupies rails against the COVER UP of THE BIG CLIMATE CHANGE LIE.

    Liberal bias, clearly.

    Apart from a fairly hysterical opinion piece by James Delingpole in the Telegraph, Steve McIntyre's earth shattering finding has been covered by...

    The Canada Free Press, a conservative webzine, and a dismissive side note in the Arizona Daily Star.


    Pretty compelling stuff. I just can't understand why the BBC didn't headline with it.