What emerges is a monologue of crystalline beauty. Alan Bennett, eat your heart out.
But (dramatic pause) who could this famous public figure be?
Them poles is meltin innit?
Fo' Real! Ali G. Must be.
them wot sez it aint iz morons
Or possibly Richard Madeley's notorious impersonation of the Staines homeboy.
I seed it wiv me own eyes an everfink
Cripes! We're veering from Jethro of the Beverly Hillbillies to a Mockney Dick van Dyke.
an dem carbod dixides iz evil an is killin du peeps innit wiv all the smoke N stuff yeah
A trace of Stavros there.
yewz lot dunt knows wot it duz like me!
A touch of Scouse, too, though more Harry Enfield curly perm than Alan Bleasdale Blackstuff.
I dunt need no degrees in science to tell me fings rite?
Ize bin lisnen to Al Grope an ee sez so rite or ill bash yer up.
Wossname from Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels? I'm getting desperate, Cassandra. Can you give us a clue?
The BBC so keen to peddle its prejudiced and flawed ideology that they are reduced to inviting a known cheating liar,ignoramus and adulterer to add his ignorant ramblings to the muddy waters.
Muddy Waters. Wouldn't he sound more…. bluesy?
(Answer to follow later. Unless you've read her post already. Though that would be cheating)