Gay. Check. Turd. Check. Muslim. Check.

It'll be a little while before the position of Poet Laureate is open, but HM The Queen could do worse than look at Biased BBC's moral philosopher Martin next time she needs a trenchant ode.

Here, from today's boards, are 7 lines which sum up all that is distinctive about B-BBC and its manly commentator.

There is normally a mong from Scotland

who is a Muslim convert

that rants about Thatcher on every phone in.

Camp Cambell is just

another pint sized Liebour loving turd

who will get the chop

once the Tories slaughter the BBC.

Would be a haiku if it weren't a tad too long, but we should marvel at the checklist of obsessions he crams into 41 furious words:

Mockery of the mentally handicapped

Muslims

Mrs Thatcher

The assumed homosexuality of BBC staff

Nicky Campbell in particular

Liebour

Turds

The destruction of the BBC

Bloody mayhem

The Biased BBC faithful may chafe at David Vance's re-fit of their site, but can anyone still argue with his promise that:

B-BBC is and shall remain a place for civilised debate and attempts to suggest otherwise are pathetic.

Full Meal Jacket: The Director's Lunch

In the spirit of Know Your Enemy, Biased BBC's leading intellectual, Paddy, has produced a cut-out-and-keep guide to BBC types. In case an offender has moved into your neighbourhood, here is Paddy's invaluable profile of a typical Beeboid.

Their view is middleclass white...

Will David Vance be happy with us complaining that the BBC's worldview is middle-class and white?

...angst ridden post colonial champagne socialist.

That's more like it, though it's also a perfect description of DV's hero Elvis Costello.

They love the unions but wouldnt go for a drink with a member of the great unwashed.

Perhaps we should get the unwashed some deodorant. That might help.

Their view of the north is the stereotypical Billy elliot/ full monty patronising dogooding labour one.

We prefer Northerners who never do any good. And never dance, either.

Their view of religion is coloured by their frustration at the lifeless catholic lite services of the anglican church at their public school.

Yeah…like that new Head of Religion - wossname - Aaqil Ahmed

They want to rebell against it because of its stodgy conformity. Their view of business is informed by the aprentice and 'Wall street'

Your view of spelling is getting fuzzier by the second.

Their view of the forces is informed by Platoon and Full Meal Jacket.

Full Meal Jacket = very large baked potato. Which is a disgraceful way to think of the forces. What's wrong with good old M*A*S*H?

They are suspicious of anyone who voluntarily wants to handle a gun.

Just…point…it…the…other…way…please...

They want sexual freedom but not for heterosexuals.

Must have missed that broadcast… are they demanding that sex should only take place in the marital bed? Or that hetero coupling shouldn't happen at all?

They want religious freedom but not for Christians.

Exactly. Songs Of Praise a restraint on freedom. And The Daily Service. And Thought For The Day.

They want us to cut carbon but allow them all to visit Bali/nepal/Cuba.

With a stopover to blow kisses at Obama.

Want us to cut down on wastefull car journeys but take 400 people to Glastonbury.

Why don't they give some airtime to sensible people? Like Richard Hammond, James May....or Jeremy Clarkson?

Oops sorry Started to rant again... anyway you get my drift

Drift Away...

Woke Up. Got Out Of Bed. Blogged The First Thing In My Head.

It's a shame that David Vance did not get a chance to try his luck under the old Soviet system. Along with all the heroic coal-shovellers, tractor-assemblers and steel-shapers, he'd be standing proudly with the Order of Lenin (Unbelievable Feats Of Hard Physical Labour: Class 2) around his neck.

For a marketing man, an aspiring author and a self-satisfiedly non-liberal paterfamilias, Mr Vance still achieves a Stakhanovite work rate at the blog face, and manages to pay non-stop homage to Elvis Costello, all at the same time. Journey with us on the dizzying ride through one day of Mr Vance's output on Biased BBC and his Irish orifice A Tangled Web:

08:09: (ATW) David starts his blogging day by congratulating a poster who gives the right answer to a pop music conundrum. Elvis Costello, apparently.

08:10: (ATW) David's all for banking's bonus system - the heart of capitalism - and can't stand the Government's attacks on it. Shares this with us.

08:25: (ATW) Gadaffi, Chavez, Mugabe and Zuma get together in Venezuela. David doesn't like the cut of their jib. Shares with us.

08:42: (ATW) Something about Iranian missiles. Obama well dodgy. Shares with us.

08:47: (ATW) Doesn't want public sector employees to enjoy such good pensions. Shares with us.

09:14: (BBBC) The Met Office indulges in lurid eco-fantasy, he offers in that unbiased way of his. Apparently, so does the BBC. Elvis Costello provides the title, for the second time in 24 hours: Waiting For The End Of The World.

09:27: (BBBC) Doesn't like a couple of BBC interviews about Iran. Shares with us.

10:19: (ATW) David is very concerned about young Americans who are unemployed. Shares with us.

12:30: (BBBC) Silently removes posting from Scott M disagreeing with the Vance line on the Met Office.

12:31: (BBBC) Somewhat confusingly posts reply to Scott M anyway. Which now sits in eerie isolation.

12:58: (BBBC) Thanks someone for praising his new comments system. (Scott M's mistake - he didn't grovel)

13:16: (BBBC) Berates BBC for reporting Obama's support for the Chicago Olympic bid. BBC slobbering over the Pres. Shares this with us, though mistakenly accuses the BBC of burying a non-existent story.

13:28: (BBBC) Offers a personal e-mail IT support service to a poster confused about new comments system. Replies to question about missing Scott M posts by announcing that SM is a figment of someone elses imagination. Odd, because SM one of the few posters to make his full identity known, complete with photo.

14:35: (ATW) David fully understands a poster who points out that most public service pensions are nothing special. The problem apparently is with the bosses and with people in non-jobs.

15:12: (ATW) Why would Obama lie? Shares with us.

15:17: (BBBC) He didn't see yesterday's Andrew Marr interview but he is considering a thread on it.

15:19: (BBBC) Follows through….for once he supports the BBC, but only because Marr put pill-popping to the PM. Brown a basket-case. Shares with us.

19:19: (ATW) List of scary nuclear headlines and stuff about Iran. Apparently Obama shouldn't travel to Copenhagen until he's dealt with Iran first. Shares with us.

20:29: (ATW) David can't stand an agency called Invest NI. Shares with us.

20:39: (ATW) Even the BBC cannot save the Prime Mentalist apparently. Shares with us.

20:53: (ATW) Posts hilarious cartoon of Mr Burns from The Simpsons to illustrate the assumed incompetence of Obama's dealings with Iran.

21:29: (ATW) Posts hilarious cartoon of a leprechaun giving a two-fingered salute to the EU. Ireland should reject the Lisbon Treaty, but won't. Shares with us.

21:35: (ATW) His local MP has let him down by agreeing to govern with Sinn Fein after campaigning against doing so. Happened some time ago, but shares with us anyway because someone else has mentioned it.

21:46: (ATW) He dislikes the UN. And likes Israel. Illustrates with Swastika tastefully superimposed on UN logo. Shares with us.

21:56: (ATW) Posts hilarious video of Barry Manilow singing Mandy, to commemorate Lord Mandleson's conference speech.

22:03: (BBBC) BBC slobbering again, this time over, erm, Mandy. Shares with us.

22:10: (ATW) Would he stand again for Parliament? Quotes Costello: I'm A Man Out Of Time.

He's a Man Who Works Beyond Time:

22:10: (BBBC) Simultaneously starts off a new discussion thread, with a touch of Rorke's Drift: Take aim, and fire!

22:11: (ATW) Breathless now: Then again… should he stand for election? He could debate the incumbent in my sleep.

22:19: (ATW) He might invite various local politicos to contribute to his Irish blog at the next election. (Sinn Fein's invite might take a while.)

22:26: (ATW) More musical comedy….Perhaps It's Over should be Brown's theme song.

22:42: (BBBC) Still chortling about Manilow's Mandy. Enriches our evening by quoting the line about coming and giving, though Lord Mandy comes and gives without thinking, rather than taking. Hilarious, anyway.

Presumably the people who pay him to market their stuff rarely read blogs, and his family must be used by now to treasuring their fleeting moments in his furiously-typing company. But does he ever eat, rest, blow his nose and use the loo? And doesn't the constant soundtrack of post-punk Birkenhead angst wear everyone else out?

Perhaps more importantly: How on earth does he have the time to fully comprehend the many streams of BBC output well enough to comment sensibly upon them?

Or….is there more than one of him?

Martin: The Video Which Says He Might Really Exist.

Never mind climate change and the fate of Gordon Brown. The hot topic of the day is the existence (or not) of the legendary Biased BBC social commentator, Martin, as he rampages through the B-BBC threads like some terrifying offspring of Nick Griffin and The Alien.

His, um, unique grasp of racial and religious issues, homosexuality and the degree of scumminess of each and every BBC employee stands out even amongst the wit and wisdom of the B-BBC commentariat. Sceptics, however, suggest that he's a figment of someone's wicked imagination...

As yet, we have not found definitive proof of Martin's existence. But our worldwide system of investigative YouTube watchers has obtained convincing evidence that he does have a first cousin, alive and well somewhere in the Deep South. (America, not Hampshire).

Here, in all his glory, he is...

(NB: it gets more - what's the word - revelatory the longer it runs. If you can cope. Turning the sound right up brings out the full aural flavour of the experience, too.)

If David Vance really does feel it's all getting a bit much for him running Biased BBC and compiling his best-seller on BBC awfulness, could we respectfully put forward this gentleman as the obvious candidate to take on the mantle of Bias-Finder General?

(A small finder's fee will suffice.)

Every Day He Writes The Book.

One of the least likely enthusiasms in pop music has to be the dogged fandom of Biased BBC's own David Vance for the post-punk troubadour Elvis Costello.

Elvis fesses up to a wild youth of drugs, chicks and booze; David proudly boasts he does not lead a liberal lifestyle.

Elvis spits rage at Mrs Thatcher, the Falklands War, Rupert Murdoch, Holy Joes and the British Army; David spits rage at the BBC if it dares criticise any of the above.

None of that stops the angry young man of Biased BBC bloggery from purloining yet another Costello song title for his latest gig… having a go at his own fan base for failing to appreciate the new, improved Biased BBC:

Hi all.

Hi David.

One of my favourite soul songs is "I can't stand up for falling down."

Very brave of you to remind us of your electoral experiences with the UK Unionist Party.

Sometimes, that's how it feels here.

Failure after hope? You sure?

Thanks to the great help of others, this site has been redesigned...

Take a bow, the authors of Jacqui Smith Is A Cunt.

redesigned (for free)

You might have had a case with Trading Standards if they'd charged, David.

and had the most modern of commenting systems installed (for free).

Yet another Ulster initiative light years ahead of its critics. Like, um, the Titanic, the De Lorean... and the UK Unionist Party.

Yet when I read some comments I detect a feeling that things were better in the golden days when we had a haloscan comment system and a basic blog design.

Even your Middle East correspondent, sue, thinks so. She's reduced to thanking commenters for turning up at her postings.

Well, we now have the "new" haloscan system and a more refined design. It seems that each time anything new is attempted, all that comes back is brickbats and a desire for what was.

Traditionalists: Annoying, aren't they?

In which case....why bother? Maybe others can sort it all out?

Handing over power? Something tells me that you don't really mean that.

Josef Friztl, Fred West, Gabby Logan: All Scum.

The economy may still be limping, Chelsea may crash at Wigan, but one thing remains consistently strong in this imperfect world: The barely coherent rage of B-BBC's leading social commentator, Martin.

Who knows what sets off the trigger? This time it's a brief mention, by new B-BBC discussion leader DB, of a charming, though lightweight, Radio Five presenter..

The Tories really do need to rise the filth out called the BBC.

Run that past us again, Martin...

The Tories really do need to rise the filth out called the BBC.

The OMTE language labs give a 68% probability that you meant to say rinse out the filth called the BBC. But we lost two monitors and an array of hard drives in the process.

Gabby Logan is a vile piece of human scum, so she's perfect for the beeboids.

Gabby Logan? Oh, wait... we have a communication from your discussion leader, DB: What words do you have left for the genuine monsters of this world if Gabby Logan is vile human scum?

She's no Mengele certainly. Rose West perhaps?

She is vile human scum because she's a leftie beeboid.

Okey-dokey. Though even the B-BBC middle management is having trouble with your view. Have you anything to say to DB?

Have'nt you managed to get it through your effing thick left wing bonehead yet that I hate ALL beeboids and lefties?

First time on record that a Biased BBC trustee has been labelled an effing thick left wing bonehead. Let's reconsider your line on Gabby. This is the new civilised B-BBC after all...

She's scum vile scum, a parasite who can't get a real job.

Righty-ho. Anything more for DB?

Bes thing you could do arsehole is jump off a bridge.

Martin - he's on your side. Do you often have trouble with friendships?

Twat Attack

Biased BBC's new era of civility has a tiny downside, if we may venture a dab of criticism. It does seem to have temporarily lowered the overall excitability of posters - with a few honourable exceptions - to a dull buzz.

But stepping into the breach is David Vance's blogging chum, Grumpy Old Twat, who provides a forthright analysis of BBC News's many failings:

In a desperate attempt to silence the well founded cries of female ageism,

I'll have whatever she's having…

the BBC are seeking to recruit a female news reader over the age of 50, for their 24 hour news channel.

Vera Lynn's on a roll just now...

Brown's Broadcasting Channel, funded by the licence fee payer and employing arrogant, self opinionated twats like this...

Me? That'll be news to the Wood Lane wages clerks. But thanks for the plug.

...would be better suited concentrating on providing unbiased reporting of World events on their news channel,

I think you'll find they're already trying to do that.

Presumably, with a General Election looming on the horizon, the British Broadcasting Corruption will continue to present Labour spin and propaganda ad infinitum in a vain attempt to see their masters re-elected, thus protecting their 'all important' tax payer funded income.

Do you think? That would be a foolhardy strategy, seeing as Cameron currently looks like a shoo-in.

In which case one can only assume that their ideal candidate for the position of news reader will be a female transgender lesbian, half moslem half black,

Because you can't be 100% Moslem and 100% black...

preferably disabled in some way, a weed smoking marxist during their University days, with five children by five different fathers and, ideally, about 54 years old.

You forgot to mention man-made global warming, but otherwise bang on. And completely original.

Perhaps you could help with recruitment? Your teasing fondness for foul-mouthed misogyny and sniggering jokes about Madeleine McCann's mother would add something really fragrant to the process.

Fighting Islam By Abusing Distraught Parents

Breaking news on the Biased BBC civility makeover….

It's five exciting days since B-BBC entered its new age of gentility, ushered in by the technical know-how of a blogger named All Seeing Eye.

ASE's previous contribution to making the blogosphere a better place is responsibility for three outpourings, one named Fuck The Fuck Off, and two comparing public figures to the Anglo-Saxon word for the vagina. One is specifically about Jacqui Smith's presumed resemblance to her own genitalia.

All Seeing Eye is undoubtedly a fitting techie midwife to David Vance's desire to make B-BBC a place for civilised debate.

Now Team Vance has welcomed another titan, one G.O.T., or - as he is known to his friends - Grumpy Old Twat - to the Biased BBC creative team. Mr Twat is praised for designing a new logo for B-BBC's liveblog of Question Time.

David picks his bloggy friends so well. G.O.T.'s latest posting on his own pages is the acme of civility itself.

Above a photo of a distressed Kate McCann pressing Madeleine's cuddly toy to her face, G.O.T. has written:

What is it they say? Ah yes, I remember! A murderer always returns to the scene of the crime.

It's a tasteful group of friends G.O.T. has, too. Fidothedog - motto: fighting against the dhimmitude and pc attitude that has taken over my country - writes:

Fucking spot on, I was going to nominate her for a cunting on isacunt, but consider it done now.

Gigits, another Biased BBC chum, adds:

A touchy subject this, but I'm suspicious of them. Tapas eating, child neglecting cunts at the very least.

Let's remind ourselves once more of David Vance's ambitions for Biased BBC:

a place for civilised debate and attempts to suggest otherwise are pathetic.

BBBCWTF?

A very strange thing has happened on this blog. People have started discussing the BBC, the existence of its bias (or not) and its future, and doing so rationally and intelligently. The really weird thing is that they seem able to do it without libelling whole groups of people, religions or, of course, the BBC and its staff.

As an experiment, the Gay Taliban Feminazi Stalinist Collective which runs this blog (with gold-plated funding from mysterious backers in Shepherd's Bush) will allow the proletariat to discuss the BBC and its doings without the need for an officially-authorised joke or two.

There are no rules. Yet. But we have a feeling posts with wit, intelligence and insight will be welcomed and crap like you get at Biased BBC will not. That is all.

An Inconvenient Truth. By Richard Madeley. As Ali G.

God Bless Cassandra, Biased BBC's in-house futurologist. Just in case the rest of us didn't hear today's big BBC interview on climate change, she produces her own transcript of the occasion.

What emerges is a monologue of crystalline beauty. Alan Bennett, eat your heart out.

But (dramatic pause) who could this famous public figure be?

Them poles is meltin innit?

Fo' Real! Ali G. Must be.

them wot sez it aint iz morons

Or possibly Richard Madeley's notorious impersonation of the Staines homeboy.

I seed it wiv me own eyes an everfink

Cripes! We're veering from Jethro of the Beverly Hillbillies to a Mockney Dick van Dyke.

an dem carbod dixides iz evil an is killin du peeps innit wiv all the smoke N stuff yeah

A trace of Stavros there.

yewz lot dunt knows wot it duz like me!

A touch of Scouse, too, though more Harry Enfield curly perm than Alan Bleasdale Blackstuff.

I dunt need no degrees in science to tell me fings rite?

Catherine Tate?

Ize bin lisnen to Al Grope an ee sez so rite or ill bash yer up.

Wossname from Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels? I'm getting desperate, Cassandra. Can you give us a clue?

The BBC so keen to peddle its prejudiced and flawed ideology that they are reduced to inviting a known cheating liar,ignoramus and adulterer to add his ignorant ramblings to the muddy waters.

Muddy Waters. Wouldn't he sound more…. bluesy?

(Answer to follow later. Unless you've read her post already. Though that would be cheating)