Sunday, 23 August 2009

Let's Parler Advanced Vance

Getting the most out of the treasure-chest that is Biased BBC requires a bit of effort. Most of all, it's vital to master its distinctive language, Advanced Vance, named after David Vance, the robust Ulster Loyalist who guides the bias-bashers.

Thankfully, our Modern Languages unit has studied the use of this dialect and turned it into a series of easy-to-follow lessons:

Lesson Numero 94. At the Supermarket.

Franc, le chef de deli: Bonjour, monsieur. Can I 'elp?

DV: I am intrigued* that humus is on special offer.

Franc: Mais oui, m'sieur. Buy One Get One Free. Cest un vrai BOGOF...

DV: No mention, I see, of their refusal to recognise Israel's right to exist.

Franc: Quel horreur! Tesco?

DV: Humus... but don't let it disturb your nauseating complacency. I note that you cannot bring yourselves to use the T-word**, either...

Franc: Vair' sorry. Taramasalata is, 'ow you say, off...

DV: A symbol of your moral degeneracy, no doubt.

Franc: Mais j'ai un tasty Jerusalem artichoke...

DV: I wonder why the BBC has such a problem reporting the bogus claim made upon that fine city by the Religion of Peace***

Franc: Above ma pay grade, m'sieur. Peut-ĂȘtre you could calm durn with notre vin du jour? A cheeky leedle rosĂ©...

Martin (for it is he): Pink? Reminds me of a lust-driven male Beeboid ramming himself into the tight pink ars...

DV: Yes indeed, but not just now...any chance of duck a l'Orange?

* = Pissed Off. As in: I'm intrigued that you've given me a parking ticket, mate....

** = Terrorism. Or possibly Tourette's.

*** = Islam. Because they all want to kill us in our beds.

Apologies to the late Miles Kingston


  1. Very fine - not the font, the content. Keep up the important work of hounding these deluded fucknuts.

  2. Apologies to Microsoft Explorer users. The fonts were misbehaving and doing some very strange things, which have now been corrected by threatening them with a double helping of Advanced Vance.